From fridayfunny-admin at portcomber.net Tue Jun 11 09:20:01 2002 From: fridayfunny-admin at portcomber.net (fridayfunny-admin at portcomber.net) Date: Tue Jun 11 09:20:01 2002 Subject: [Friday Funny] Engineers Message-ID: <006501c2111b$bd116c20$a77ba8c0@MINSTREL> Sorry for the delay - we've been away (again)... Thanks to Kit for this... ---------------------------- Q: What is the definition of a engineer? A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. Q: When does a person decide to become a engineer? A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker. Q: What do engineers use for birth control? A: Their personalities. Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer? A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own. Q: Why did the engineer cross the road? A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year. Q: How do you drive a engineer completely insane? A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way. You might be a engineer if ........ * choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma. * you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room. * in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure. * the sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions. * at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling. * you bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday. * you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie. * you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting. * you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel. * you sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects. * you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances. * you have more friends on the Internet than in real life. * you know what http:// stands for * you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys together. * you see a good design and still have to change it. * you spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring. * you still own a slide rule and know how to use it. * you think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived. * you window shop at Radio Shack. * your laptop computer costs more than your car. * your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work. * you've already calculated how much you make per second. * you've tried to repair a 2-way radio. Comprehending Engineers-Take One Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit." Comprehending Engineers-Take Two An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" architect and artist questioned. Engineer replied: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done." Comprehending Engineers-Take Three What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets. Comprehending Engineers-Take Four To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. Comprehending Engineers-Take Five A group of Q.A. inspectors were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess. An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, puts the pole back and gives the measurement to one of the inspectors and walks away. After the engineer has gone, one inspector turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he gives us the length." -- Peter SJF Bance CEng MBCS CESG and BCS Listed Security Adviser http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ From fridayfunny-admin at portcomber.net Fri Jun 14 07:57:01 2002 From: fridayfunny-admin at portcomber.net (fridayfunny-admin at portcomber.net) Date: Fri Jun 14 07:57:01 2002 Subject: [Friday Funny] Usenet Help Wanted Ads Message-ID: <00bf01c21371$46427d70$a77ba8c0@MINSTREL> All, Another old one from the archives today... ---------------------------- Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny From: rsk at itw.com (Rich Kulawiec) Subject: A guide to understanding Usenet help-wanted ads Copyright Rich Kulawiec, rsk at itw.com, 1997. Reading the various job-related newsgroups while searching for employment can be frustrating at times -- there are mis-posted articles, duplicate articles, articles without relevant subject lines, get-rich-quick spams, and a hundred other annoyances. I can't help you with those. However, I can help you to understand the text of some of the less intelligible help-wanted articles. Enclosed below are (1) direct quotes from articles which have appeared in misc.jobs.offered with (2) a translation of what the author actually meant to say. The company and personal names have been elided to protect my future job prospects, if any remain after this gets posted. ---Rsk Rich Kulawiec rsk at itw.com ------------------------------------------------------------------------ This is not, repeat, not a position for an academic-type of internet hacker. Rather, it is a need for a solid business applications developer type. "Even though we are trying to implement a cutting-edge web-based system, we are unaware that the academic community is precisely the place that such systems originated, and where a lot of the people who know how about them can be found. We would prefer to hire someone who still finds spreadsheets and accounting software exciting." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Due to the volume of expected responses, we are only able to contact candidates who qualify for this position. "Although sending an e-mail response to a received cover letter and resume would only a take a few seconds, we are too busy to indulge in this basic, common courtesy. We're also not smart enough to automate the process. Guess you'll never know if we received and read your resume..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ HOT! Call today! "My project is a mess and I need to hire someone immediately who can either bail me out, or, by virtue of being the latest hire, take the blame." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Candidates should be able to start work immediately. "Don't bother giving a reasonable amount of notice to your current employer. Of course, should you ever leave our firm, we'll expect 90 days notice.' ------------------------------------------------------------------------ No relocation assistance available. "We're cheap. We think so little of you that we won't even pick up the $2K it'll cost to move your 1-bedroom apartment's worth of furniture 400 miles." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ (Requires X years experience with Y, with X > than the number of years that Y has existed, e.g.) Wanted: Expert Java programmers, 5+ years experience "We're clueless, but very easy to impress." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Applicant must have a minimum of 10 solid years working as [...] Submit cover letter, resume, and transcript to [...] "Even though this is a field where the technology turns over every three years, we think how you did in Organic Chemistry in college over a decade go has some relevance to your qualifications." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ YOU WILL HAVE 5+ YEARS EXPERIENCE AS A CFO IN A HIGH TECH COMPUTER INDUSTRY. "Please teach us where the CAPS LOCK key is." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ (Very short ad, with entire copy consisting of:) Wanted: Unix/C programmers. "We think you're so hungry that you'll jump at any job with this in the title, even though we list no other qualifications, don't tell you what kind of work you'll be doing, or even where we're located." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [...] implementing new system on VAX/VMS platform with DECNET [...] "We still think VMS and DECNET are hot technologies and that this Unix and TCP/IP fad will be over any minute. Hey...do you think we could get Ken Olsen?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Skills: Pearl, Linus, Seashell, [...] "We're really clueless." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Title: Senior Unix Administrator Location: New York City. Salary range: $30-$45K. "We think you're really clueless." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Please submit resumes in Word format with subject "Lead Unix Admin" to: [...] "Even though we are looking for a senior Unix person, we are so brainwashed by Microsoft that it didn't dawn on us that Word is a proprietary format used by a word processor almost completely avoided by Unix people." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ [...] interfacing the Web with legacy systems including mainframes [...] "We want you to take the hottest technology available and shackle it to hardware and software that were obsolete before you graduated from college. Don't worry, this will not damage your career." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Ability to carry pager and perform after-hours and weekend work required. "We're too cheap to actually hire as many qualified people as we need, so we're going to try to squeeze unpaid overtime out of you and everyone else on the staff at the expense of your personal lives." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ You will work in a team with 2 or 3 other people in a fast-paced environment. Adherance to strict deadlines is critical as well as the ability to learn and be innovative. "We're behind schedule. Really behind schedule. We'd like to convince you to join these other poor bastards in hell." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Are you a programmer on a legacy/mainframe system and want to transition your career into something new? Well the [...] Group, Inc. is looking for mainframe programmers with experience in COBOL, DB2, IMS, CICS, and others. "Didn't bother to keep your skillset current? We think we can now hire you at a bargain rate because you'll do anything in order to get yourself retrained on technology from this decade." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ New York System Integration company has short and long term needs for Sun Unix admins. Competency Level 1500 and 2000 especially sought. "We think that you'll know what somebody's skill assessment system for Unix administrators will mean, even though we didn't bother to tell you here. Bonus if you're clairvoyant." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ (Entire text of ad, excluding boilerplate) Position available for a *very* senior internet expert. Should have a very solid education, experience and the potential to be an industry leader. Position details are confidential, for qualified candidates only. "In fact, the position details are so confidential, that we haven't bothered to tell you just what sort of skills we're looking for (routers? protocols? operating systems? programming? web site development? all of them?), where this position is located, or what it's responsibilities might be. Even though we've provided you next to nothing to go on, we expect you to figure out whether or not you're qualified. And since we're one of the companies that doesn't do applicants the courtesy of acknowledging resumes, you'll never know if you guessed wrong." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ (Entire text of ad) Subject: Need 20 Hardware and Software Engineers 2-10 years of experince 100k + Relocation Paid H1 visa ok Our client is a big Semiconductor Company in Silocon Valley. Please email your resume to [...] or fax it at [...] RELOCATION PAID H-1 VISA OK "Not only can't we take the time to provide any information about the positions, or the requirements that applicants are expected to have, we can't spell." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ (Entire text of ad) Subject: Wanted: HEAVY C++/UNIX/GUI APPLICATIONS DESIGNER - read on [1/1] 4 bytes BEGIN --- CUT HERE --- Cut Here --- cut here --- read on begin 644 read on $#0H-"K3H ` end END --- CUT HERE --- Cut Here --- cut here --- "We're going to have the person we hire to teach us how and when to use uuencode." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Copyright Rich Kulawiec, rsk at itw.com, 1997. -- Selected by Jim Griffith. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny at clari.net. If you see a problem with an RHF posting, reply to the poster please, not to us. Ask the poster to forward comments back to us if this is necessary. For the full RHF guidelines, see http://comedy.clari.net/rhf/ -- Peter SJF Bance CEng MBCS CESG and BCS Listed Security Adviser http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ From fridayfunny-admin at portcomber.net Fri Jun 14 08:27:01 2002 From: fridayfunny-admin at portcomber.net (fridayfunny-admin at portcomber.net) Date: Fri Jun 14 08:27:01 2002 Subject: [Friday Funny] Usenet Help Wanted Ads In-Reply-To: <00bf01c21371$46427d70$a77ba8c0@MINSTREL> Message-ID: <00c501c21374$d1e9cdd0$a77ba8c0@MINSTREL> > Subject: Wanted: HEAVY C++/UNIX/GUI APPLICATIONS DESIGNER - read on > [1/1] 4 > bytes > > BEGIN --- CUT HERE --- Cut Here --- cut here --- read on Apologies for the attachment - I think it's actually funnier that the list server decided to interpret the UUEncoded block for me! -- Peter SJF Bance CEng MBCS CESG and BCS Listed Security Adviser http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ From fridayfunny-admin at portcomber.net Fri Jun 21 08:26:01 2002 From: fridayfunny-admin at portcomber.net (fridayfunny-admin at portcomber.net) Date: Fri Jun 21 08:26:01 2002 Subject: [Friday Funny] Meat Message-ID: <001001c218f5$8e0f0b80$0e309ad9@MINSTREL> A rather strange (and, again, old!) one I've just dug up this week... ----------------------------- I submit the following. For all I know, it may have originated in rec.humor.funny, but I don't know. This was sent to me by a friend. Apparently it has an unknown author. [Note - Michael subsequently reported that the author is Terry Bisson, it originally appeared in OMNI Magazine, it was nominated for a Nebula, and it is reprinted here by permission of Mr. Bisson. My thanks to Michael and Terry - ed.] ------------------------------------------------ Imagine if you will... the leader of the fifth invader force speaking to the commander in chief... "They're made out of meat." "Meat?" "Meat. They're made out of meat." "Meat?" "There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat." "That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars." "They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines." "So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact." "They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines." "That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat." "I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat." "Maybe they're like the Orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage." "Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take too long. Do you have any idea the life span of meat?" "Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the Weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside." "Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the Weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through." "No brain?" "Oh, there is a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat!" "So... what does the thinking?" "You're not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking. The meat." "Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!" "Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?" "Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat." "Finally, Yes. They are indeed made out meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years." "So what does the meat have in mind?" "First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information. The usual." "We're supposed to talk to meat?" "That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there? Anyone home?' That sort of thing." "They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?" "Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat." "I thought you just told me they used radio." "They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat." "Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?" "Officially or unofficially?" "Both." "Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without prejudice, fear, or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing." "I was hoping you would say that." "It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?" "I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say?" `Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?" "Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact." "So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe." "That's it." "Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed? You're sure they won't remember?" "They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them." "A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream." "And we can mark this sector unoccupied." "Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?" "Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again." "They always come around." "And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the universe would be if one were all alone." -- Peter SJF Bance CEng MBCS CESG and BCS Listed Security Adviser http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ From fridayfunny-admin at portcomber.net Sun Jun 30 10:49:01 2002 From: fridayfunny-admin at portcomber.net (fridayfunny-admin at portcomber.net) Date: Sun Jun 30 10:49:01 2002 Subject: [Friday Funny] Do You Drink Coffee? Message-ID: <000001c22016$29e4b920$a77ba8c0@MINSTREL> Taken from the 'old' Joke of the Day list... ----------------------------------------- I don't drink coffee, but I know A LOT of people do! This was submitted by a co-worker, Chris, who drinks moocho caffeine and works 23 hours a day... You've Had Too Much Coffee When... - You ski uphill. - You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. - You speed walk in your sleep. - You answer the door before people knock. - Juan Valdez has named his donkey after you. - You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. - You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. - You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. - You sleep with your eyes open. - You have to watch videos in fast-forward. - The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. - You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. - You lick your coffee pot clean. - You spend your vacations visiting "Maxwell House" - You're the employee of the month at the local coffee house and you don't even work there. - You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. - Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. - You chew on other people's fingernails. - Cocaine is a downer. - The Nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. - All your kids are named "Joe" - Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low" - You buy 1/2 and 1/2 by the barrel. - Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. - You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. - You can jump-start your car without cables. - You've worn out the handle on your favourite mug. - You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. - You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. - You don't need a hammer to pound in nails. - You don't sweat, you percolate. - You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. - Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. - You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. - Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. - Instant coffee takes too long. - People get dizzy just watching you. - When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup." - The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. - Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. - You're so wired, you pick up AM radio. - People can test their batteries in your ears. - Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans. - You channel surf faster without a remote. - When someone asks, "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop." - You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can. - Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. - You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison. - You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. - You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. - You named your cats "Cream" and "Sugar" - Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. - You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. - You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. - Your 3 favourite things in life are: coffee before, coffee during and coffee after. - You can't even remember your second cup. - You help your dog chase its tail. - You get drunk just so you can sober up. - You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson. - Your Thermos is on wheels. - You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. - You introduce your spouse as your "CoffeeMate" - Your first-aid kit contains 2-pints of coffee with an I-V hookup. - You can outlast the Energizer bunny. - You short out motion detectors. - You have a conniption over spilled milk. - You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. - Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. - You don't tan, you roast. - You don't get mad, you get steamed. - Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London. - You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation." -- Peter SJF Bance CEng MBCS CESG and BCS Listed Security Adviser http://www.minstrel.org.uk/