[Friday Funny] Comprehending Scientists

[fridayfunny at portcomber.net]

Comprehending Mathematicians-Take One
 
A chemist, an engineer and a mathematician were all asleep in a hotel when
several fires broke out in their respective rooms.

The chemist woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, pulled out his CRC
(chemistry handbook), and began working out all sorts of fluid dynamics
equations.  After a couple minutes, he threw down his pencil, got a
graduated cylinder out of his suitcase, and measured out a precise amount of
water.  He threw it on the fire, extinguishing it with not a drop wasted,
and went back to sleep. The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the
bathroom, turned on the faucets full-blast, flooding out the entire
apartment, which put out the fire, and went back to sleep. The mathematician
woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, worked through theorems,
lemmas, hypotheses, you-name-it, and after a few minutes, put down his
pencil triumphantly and exclaimed, "I have proven that I can put the fire
out!"  He then went back to sleep.

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Comprehending Mathematicians-Take Two

A mathematician is a person who says that, when 3 people are supposed to be
in a room but 5 come out, 2 must go in to return the room to an empty state.

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Comprehending Computer Scientists-Take One

Several professors were asked to solve the following problem: "Prove that
all odd integers are prime."

Mathematician: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is not a
prime-counter-example-claim is false.

Physicist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is an experimental
error, 11 is a prime ...

Engineer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime, 11 is a
prime ...

Computer: 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime ... Segmentation fault

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Comprehending Computer Scientists-Take Two

Four men rode in a car: a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a
chemical engineer, and a computer engineer.

The car stalled out.

The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the pistons; let's repair them and
be on our way."

The electrical engineer said, "It has to be the spark plugs; we'll replace
them and be ready to roll in no time at all."

The chemical engineer said: "No, it's got to be bad gas; we'll flush the
system and be on our way."

They turned to the computer engineer.  "What do you think we should do?"
they asked.  The computer engineer shrugged and said, "Let's get out of the
car, close the doors, then get back in and try restarting it."

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Comprehending Computer Scientists-Take Three

A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what
was the oldest profession in the world.

The doctor remarked, "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a
rib taken from Adam.  This clearly required surgery so I can rightly claim
that mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The civil engineer interrupted and said, "But even earlier in the book of
Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth
from out of the chaos.  This was the first and certainly the most
spectacular application of civil engineering.  Therefore, fair doctor, you
are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world."
 
The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled, and said
confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"
 
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Comprehending Computer Scientists-Take Four
 
A programmer had been missing from work for over a week when finally someone
noticed and called the cops.  They went round to his flat and broke the door
down.  They found him dead in the still running shower with an empty bottle
of shampoo next to his body.
 
Apparently he'd been washing his hair.
 
The instructions on the bottle said:

  Wet hair
  Apply shampoo
  Lather
  Rinse
 
  Repeat
 
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Comprehending Engineers-Take Two
 
In the high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against one
wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall.  Then, every ten seconds,
they walked toward each other until they were half the previous distance
apart.  A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked, "When will
the girls and boys meet?"
 
The mathematician said: "Never."
 
The physicist said: "In an infinite amount of time."
 
The engineer said: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough
for all practical purposes."
 
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Comprehending Engineers-Take Three
 
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical.  After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily
retired.  Several years later his company contacted him regarding a
seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their
multi-million dollar machines.  They had tried everything and everyone else
to get the machine fixed, but to no avail.  In desperation, they called on
the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
 
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.  He spent a day studying the
huge machine.  At the end of the day he marked a small x in chalk on a
particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your
problem is".  The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.  The engineer responded
briefly:

  One chalk mark .............. $1
  Knowing where to put it ..... $49,999
 
It was paid in full and the engineer retired in peace.
 
***********************************

Comprehending Engineers-Take Four
 
Three engineers and three mathematicians are travelling by train to a
conference.  At the station, the three mathematicians each buy tickets and
watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
 
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a
mathematician.
 
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
 
They all board the train.  The mathematicians take their respective seats,
but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting
tickets.  He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."  The
door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.  The
conductor takes it and moves on.
 
The mathematicians see this and agree it is quite a clever idea.  So after
the conference, the mathematicians decide to copy the engineers on the
return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
 
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed
mathematician.
 
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
 
When they board the train, the three mathematicians cram into one restroom
and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.  The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over
to the restroom where the mathematicians are hiding.  He knocks on the door
and says, "Ticket, please."
 
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Comprehending Engineers-Take Five
 
The Top 10 Things Engineering School didn't teach
 
10.  There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
 
9.  Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.
 
8.  Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.
 
7.  Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except
the complex math, which you will never use.
 
6.  Always try to fix the hardware with software.
 
5.  Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab
every day for the rest of your life.
 
4.  Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
 
3.  Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
 
2.  If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software.
 
1.  Dilbert is a documentary.
 
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Comprehending Engineers-Take Six
 
Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
 
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

--
Peter SJF Bance CEng MBCS
CESG and BCS Listed Security Adviser
http://www.minstrel.org.uk/