From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Fri Dec 7 07:50:44 2007 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Fri, 07 Dec 2007 07:50:44 +0000 Subject: [Friday Funny] Blond(e)s Message-ID: <4758FB54.3050202@minstrel.org.uk> I feel entitled to send this one out, as I'm blond myself...! ----------------------------- Two Blondes with Hammers... Carol and Donna were doing some carpentry work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end, so I throw them away." Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!" -------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They had gone to see "Closed for the Winter". -------------------------------------------------- A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?" "No, Silly" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened - I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger." -------------------------------------------------- A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened, so she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde room-mate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The room-mate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like, hello! You need to close the windows first." -------------------------------------------------- A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold." "Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing... I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that?" he asked. "Why, that's a thermos... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied. Her boss inquired, "So, what do you have in it?" And the blond replied... "Two Popsicles and some coffee." -------------------------------------------------- A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a 'phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home? Take the day off to relax and rest." "Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. "What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks. "No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!" -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398 From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Fri Dec 14 07:14:37 2007 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Fri, 14 Dec 2007 07:14:37 +0000 Subject: [Friday Funny] More Tommy Cooper Message-ID: <47622D5D.2010903@minstrel.org.uk> I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's permanent." ------------------- I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is." ------------------- I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver. ------------------- I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal." ------------------ Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?" He said "No, I've got china in my hand." ------------------ I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End' ------------------ I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue?" I said "No, just a watch." ------------------ I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle?" The bloke said "Kenwood." I said, "Where is he, then?" ------------------ My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel. ------------------ I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera." ------------------ I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, It's P something T something R. ------------------ I was reading this book today, 'The History Of Glue'. I couldn't put it down. ----------------- I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on, and on, and on... ----------------- The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me." ---------------- I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "I know, this is for the custard." ---------------- This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a long, thin piece of paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me." ---------------- I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I can't promise anything." ---------------- I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!" ---------------- This cowboy walks into a German car showroom and says "Audi!" ----------------- I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first." He went "Baah" and I went "Moo." He said "You're closest." ---------------- I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off the road and into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road." ---------------- I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there. ----------------- I was stealing things in the supermarket the other day, while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts. ----------------- I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar." I said "Well, I've been on telly, but I'm no Dean Martin." ----------------- I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays." ------------------ I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Well, can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow." -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398 From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Fri Dec 21 06:03:49 2007 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Fri, 21 Dec 2007 06:03:49 +0000 Subject: [Friday Funny] 20 Ways to Confuse Santa Claus Message-ID: <476B5745.4030502@minstrel.org.uk> 1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he should lose a few pounds. 2. While he's in the house, find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. 3. Leave him a note explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. 4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly. 5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit! 6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa." 7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home. 8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave because the party is in "his" honour. 9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off. 10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa." 11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime." 12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. 13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire. 14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun. 15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house. 16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear. 17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill. 18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue. 19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. 20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighbourhood ain't big enough for the both of us." -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398 From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Fri Dec 28 09:41:28 2007 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Fri, 28 Dec 2007 09:41:28 +0000 Subject: [Friday Funny] Fun things to do in a lift (elevator) Message-ID: <4774C4C8.6010707@minstrel.org.uk> Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. Shave. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!" When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, I hate... motion sickness!" Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!" Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. Leave a box between the doors. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it. Start a sing-along. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?" Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space." Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!" While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently. -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398