From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Fri Nov 2 15:32:45 2007 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Fri, 02 Nov 2007 15:32:45 +0000 Subject: [Friday Funny] Organisation Chart Message-ID: <472B431D.8010603@minstrel.org.uk> WHAT THE ORGANISATION CHART DOESN'T TELL YOU In the lower ranks of the MIS world, sorting out job titles is a nearly impossible task. Some folks are called Analysts. Some are called Programmers. Some are called Engineers. None of them have window offices. So, here is a list from lowest to highest (in order of prestige) and described -- the 10 most commonly used job titles in a data processing shop. A truly experienced high-tech professional has held five or even six of these positions... usually all at the same time. 10. Programmer This person holds the lowest rank in the DP field. Manages no one. Answers to everyone. Approximately 50% of the Programmer's time is scheduled for testing. Another 50% is spent filling out time cards and progress reports. Any time left over is spent attending classes on technologies that will never be used in the shop. The Programmer is appraised on code quality and reliability. Never has time to write any. Hopes to, someday, be promoted to Systems Analyst. 9. Systems Analyst The Systems Analyst refuses to code anymore. Designs new systems. Writes specs for new systems. Devises procedures and work flows for new systems but ends up training users on how to get by with the old ones. Next in line for Team Leader position. 8. Team Leader A Team Leader manages one project. Doesn't know why he's not called Project Leader, that's what he has on his resume. 7. Project Leader Manages several projects at once. Analyses Gantt charts from the Team Leaders' projects. Coordinates schedules from the Team Leaders' projects. Monitors deliverables from the Team Leaders' projects. Has absolutely no idea what any of the Team Leaders' projects are about. Wants to be a programmer again. 6. Operator The Operator wields powers that the Project Leader can only dream about. Makes Programmers beg for tape drives. Makes Analysts beg for disk space. Makes Team Leaders beg for printouts. Has an uncanny understanding of career potential in the data processing industry. Going to law school at night. 5. Systems Programmer Even an Operator wants to be a Systems Programmer. A Systems Programmer has the authority to wipe out disk packs without warning. Crash the system during user demos. Make new releases appear, then disappear, then reappear again, especially during month end processing. 4. DBA No one really knows what the Database Administrator does, and no one is smart enough to know if the DBA is doing it or not. But every shop must have one DBA, because no place can afford two of them. 3. Manager The Manager is sometimes called a Director, or an Assistant Vice President, or an Account Manager. Has completely lost touch with any facsimile of technology. Wants to finish next year's budget. Wants to finish last year's appraisals. Wants to learn the names of some of the Programmers. But instead, only has time to interview job applicants, especially DBAs. 2. Department Secretary The Programmers have word processing. The Managers have electronic mail. Everyone has automatic phone messaging. This leaves the Department Secretary with all kinds of time to manipulate, control and dispense the three most basic employee needs: paychecks, rumours, and supplies. Can make copier self-destruct just by going to lunch. 1. Contract Programmer A Contract Programmer doesn't have to wear a nice suit, or go to meetings, or fill out time cards, or keep complaints to himself. He can make all the mistakes he wants. He doesn't get benefits. He doesn't get training. He doesn't get respect. But after years in the trenches, the Contract Programmer will finally achieve the ultimate goal in the profession: He will be able to make impossible deadlines with inadequate resources for desperate managers by putting in all kinds of extra hours... and will be paid overtime for every one of them. -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398 From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Fri Nov 9 19:48:33 2007 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Fri, 09 Nov 2007 19:48:33 +0000 Subject: [Friday Funny] Word Play Message-ID: <4734B991.70108@minstrel.org.uk> FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS) ******************************** 1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired. 2. A will is a dead giveaway. 3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backward poet writes inverse. 5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes. 6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. 7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. 8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner. 10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered. 12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart. 13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under. 15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 16. A calendar's days are numbered. 17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine. 18. A boiled egg is hard to beat. 19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. 20. A plateau is a high form of flattery. 21. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large. 22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 23. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall. 24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine. 25. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye. 26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. 27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 28. Acupuncture: a jab well done. 29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet. Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced. -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398 From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Fri Nov 23 07:36:42 2007 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Fri, 23 Nov 2007 07:36:42 +0000 Subject: [Friday Funny] Helpdesk Calls Message-ID: <4746830A.3010209@minstrel.org.uk> Sorry for sending out a rather old one, but I hadn't seen one or two of these. Apologies also for the silence last week - busy days! ----------------------------------------- Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?". Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?". Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre". Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours". +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?" Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about". Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?" Operator: "I think it means the telephone point on the wall". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- RAC Motoring Services Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?" Operator: "Doesn't the product name give you a clue?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France) "If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Directory Enquiries Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please". Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?" Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?" Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop". Customer: "OK". Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?". Customer: "No". Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No". Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?". Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- [I'd take the 'true story' claim with a pinch of salt - I've seen this story claimed to be true many times over the years, and applied to many different companies...] And there's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. This guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, s/he is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now we know why they record these conversations): Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?" Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." Operator: "What sort of trouble?" Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." Operator: "Went away?" Caller: "They disappeared." Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" Caller: "Nothing." Operator: "Nothing?" Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" Caller: "How do I tell?" Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?" Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" aller: "What's a monitor?" Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" Caller: "I don't know." Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" Caller: "Yes, I think so." Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." Caller: "Yes, it is." Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" Caller: "No." Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." Caller: "Okay, here it is." Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." Caller: "I can't reach." Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" Caller: "No." Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." Operator: "Dark?" Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then." Caller: "I can't." Operator: "No? Why not?" Caller: "Because there's a power failure." Operator: "A power...................................... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?" Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is." Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" Operator: "Tell them you're too *%*%*%*% stupid to own a computer!" -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398 From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Fri Nov 30 09:30:19 2007 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Fri, 30 Nov 2007 09:30:19 +0000 Subject: [Friday Funny] Children Say... Message-ID: <474FD82B.8040102@minstrel.org.uk> An old theme, but I haven't seen these examples before... --------------------------- A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!" A girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him". A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God!" The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute." An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him." The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown-up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael - he's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead." Fred and his family were having dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Fred received his plate he started eating right away. "Fred, wait until we say our prayer." "I don't have to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "But that's at our house," Fred explained. "This is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook." I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! Then I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!" My son came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. He stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush, held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too, then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago." On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of the parents." A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room quickly burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter - haven't you ever seen a little boy before?" It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then at the back of the van. Finally he said, "So what'd he do?" While working for an organization that delivers lunches to the elderly, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!" A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And, why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning." While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ... and into the hole he gooooes." -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398