[Friday Funny] Essential Tips

[The Friday Funny]

[A bit of an old one again]

Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker 'Dustbuster'.  The zombies will then wander aimlessly and can be dispatched by the more usual methods at a more leisurely pace.
J. T. Thropton

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin into a bowl of iron filings.
B Villbens Birmingham

X File fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
Sam Neffendorf Weybridge

A Hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties.
L Traintu Clarkesville

Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey. It gives any cocktail a bit of 'oomph'.
James Francis East Glamorgan Hospital

Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding under the covers.
Charles Holley Newcastle

Make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop stick to an empty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice.
Ms. G. M. Dowd Wigan

Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each pocket.  Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.
P.Turner Liverpool L17

Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking them to wrap it.
D. Treloar Wandsworth

A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an ideal "car" for snakes.
G. Dorson Skipton

Can't afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and press them into your eyes.
D. Stokes Middlesex

Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.
P.J. Ruddock London

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate.
Mr KVL 74IY Lincoln

Cyclists. Next time you're out on your bike take a tin bath and about 4 or 5 gallons of water in plastic containers.  In the event of a flat tire this will help you locate any punctures you may have.
Andy Hodgeson Manchester

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
S Goldhanger Fulchester

Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your petrol whenever you park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or two plastic buckets.
D. Griffiths Kent

Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.
Mr P. Lilburn Rotherham

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner 
 
Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
N. Burke Manchester

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
D. Rogers Hemel Hempstead

Avoid paying tax by going to work in a politically unstable Middle East country inhabited by religious fanatics.  Ignore British Government advice to leave when a war looks imminent, then moan a few weeks later when bombs start going off and there aren't any planes home.
S Goblin Middlesex

Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide out.
Kate Emblen Uxbridge

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
P Raker Chatham

Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be worn around the neck.
B Morgan Criccieth

Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative to sun-bed treatments.
Mr T. Eebly Warstead

Werewolf enthusiasts: get that 'wolfy' feeling every night by simply gluing a paper plate to your bedroom window.
J. Bradley. Beeston, Notts

Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.
A. Sharp. Birmingham

Office workers. Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by making 'blinkers' out of two Post-It note stickers, one stuck to each temple.
Fanny Cyclops. South Norwood.

A next door neighbours car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
Nick Jeggo. Adbaston, Staffs.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
Fanny Cyclops. South Norwood

Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player during a powercut.
Howard Urmenyl Amersham. Leo Sayer country.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.
W. T. Conqueror. Hastings

Play "Indiana Jones" with your pet mouse using a length of drainpipe and a cricket ball.
I. K. Brunel. Bristol

Car cigarette lighters make ideal mini 'High Chaparral' style branding irons.
J.T. Thropton.

Terrify ants into believing they have been invaded by 'War Of The Worlds' style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around their holes.
J.T. Thropton.

-- 
Peter SJF Bance
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