[Friday Funny] All the wisdom you'll ever need

[The Friday Funny]

Received this about 8 years ago from, strangely, the Rango of Arg.  If that name rings a bell with you, your age is starting to show ;o)

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- LIFE IS UNCERTAIN....EAT DESSERT FIRST!

- Schizophrenia beats being alone.

- ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:
  12%  Monday
  23%  Tuesday
  40%  Wednesday
  20%  Thursday
   5%  Friday

- CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!

- BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER AND TASTIER, TOO.

- Forget the Joneses. I can't keep up with the SIMPSONS.

- STOP THE SLAUGHTER!  BOYCOTT BABY OIL!

- I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

- SAVE the WHALES!   ... Collect a whole set.

- Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

- The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

- Money isn't everything, But it sure keeps the kids in touch.

- Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

- JESUS IS COMING! Look Busy.

- STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP!  Park elsewhere!

- DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music

- OTHER THAN THAT, MRS. LINCOLN, HOW WAS THE PLAY?

- JOIN THE ARMY Travel the World, Meet interesting people and kill them.

- Bumper Sticker - If a woman's place is in the home WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS CAR!

- Where there's a will I want to be in it.

- MOOSEHEAD:  A great beer and a new experience for a moose.

- Bumper Sticker - ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING.

- 24 HOURS IN A DAY 24 BEERS IN A CASE COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOT!

- After all that work, Alex Haley found out he was adopted.

- The statement below is true.

- The statement above is false.

- They call it "PMS" because  "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

- How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?

- He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

- Time's fun when you're having flies....Kermit the Frog

- Wyoming Highway Sign - SPEED KILLS! SLOW INFURIATES.

- The faulty interface lies between the chair and the keyboard.

- Kansas State Motto - KANSAS FIRST OF THE RECTANGLE STATES

- POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN  ...Cops have nothing to go on.

- One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

- If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

- If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

- Alabama State Motto:  At Least We're not Mississippi

- It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black.

- GUN CONTROL: A solution in search of a problem.

- Cruel and unusual punishment works better.

- REMEMBER: FIRST you pillage, THEN you burn.

- A company is judged by the president it keeps.

- If at first you don't succeed, put it out for beta test.

- FOR SALE - - Iraqi rifle.  Never fired. Dropped once.

- To catch rabbits, Hide behind a bush and do carrot calls.

- If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

- THE U.S. CONGRESS:  100 Senators; 435 Representatives; No Clues

- When things look dark, hold your head up high so it can rain up your nose.

- If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

- JESUS SAVES SINNERS and redeems them for cash and valuable prizes.

- Hi, I'm bored, heavily armed and I have a Bible.

- If the shoe fits, buy it. --- Imelda Marcos

- Bumper Sticker-  Horn broken. Watch for finger.

- FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

- Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.

- Hello? Front desk?  Some guy named Gideon left his Bible here.

- I'M OUT OF OESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN.

- A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

- ENDLESS LOVE: STEVIE WONDER and RAY CHARLES PLAYING TENNIS

- A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

- IT'S LONELY AT THE TOP, BUT YOU EAT BETTER.

- You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.

- A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

- HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH.

- Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once.

- FREE THE INDIANAPOLIS 500

- Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

- All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

- HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET

- Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires

- I don't have a solution; but I do admire the problem.

- I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

- One- seventh of your life will be spent on Mondays.

- A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS But it uses up a thousand times the memory

- The Meek shall inherit the earth..after we're through with it.

- If a thing is worth doing it would have been done already.

- Digitarians are members of The First Church of Binary Science.

- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

- IF WE WEREN'T MEANT TO EAT ANIMALS THEN WHY ARE THEY MADE OF MEAT?

- Two can live as cheaply as one... for half as long.

- Waiter, there's no fly in my soup! ...Kermit the Frog

- HAM AND EGGS: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

- Lord, If I can't be skinny,  please let all my friends be fat.

- Be Alert!  ...the world needs more lerts.

- 87% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

- Good Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

- POO- POO HAPPENS!

- (Bumper Sticker seen on Baby Stroller)  THE BUCK DOESN'T EVEN SLOW DOWN HERE

- Confession is good for the soul, But bad for your career.

- Digital circuits are made from analog parts.

- How much can I get away with And still go to heaven?

- NUKE THE GAY BABY WHALES

- Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

- Quick, Call a Witch Doctor!  My witch is sick.

- JESUS LOVES YOU It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

- What is a free gift?   Aren't all gifts free?

- Can you yell "MOVIE!" In a crowded fire station?

- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

- If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

- HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER.  LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!

- WELCOME TO UTAH Set your watch back 20 years.

- To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question.... ....or is it?

- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

- Don't get married.  Find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

- A closed mouth gathers no foot.

- The trouble with life is there's no background music.

- If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

- I was only looking at your nametag, honest!

- First draw the curve, then plot the data.

- ILLINOIS The Land of the Voting Dead

- EMORDNILAP is Palindrome spelled backwards.

- A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one hell of a party.

- IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?

- When blondes have more fun do they know it?

- REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE BELOW AVERAGE.

- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

- WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S DINNER.

- Customer Service Notice- Helen Waite is now in charge of all rush orders. If you are in a hurry, just go to Helen Waite.

- If you run out of sick days, call in dead.

- Attention:  I- 15 Travelers you are entering the state of Utah. It is illegal to obey any federal statute.

- Without C we would have to program in BASI and PASAL

- Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

- Gargling twice daily is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

- ENERGIZER BUNNY ARRESTED!  Charged with battery.

- Cleanliness is next to "clean and jerk" in the dictionary.

- PRESERVE THE SPOTTED OWL (in formaldehyde)

- We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?

- Be kind to your inferiors, if you can find any.

- Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!

- The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

- Four out of five people think the fifth is an idiot.

- It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

- Think of the lottery as a tax break for the intelligent.

- Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane.

- Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.

- MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT

- 186,000 MPS: It's not just a good idea -  It's the LAW!

- When you work here, you can name your own salary.  I named mine, "Fred".

- Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

- Atheism:  A non-prophet organization.

- 99% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

- Kennedy Compound:  Keep Out Trespassers will be Violated.

- Seen it all. Done it all.  Can't remember most of it.

- Red Meat is not bad for you.  Fuzzy greenish-blue meat is bad for you.

- Power Corrupts and absolute power is kinda neat.

-- 
Peter SJF Bance
http://www.minstrel.org.uk/
XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel
MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398