From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Sat Apr 5 16:40:08 2008 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Sat, 05 Apr 2008 16:40:08 +0100 Subject: [Friday Funny] April Fools Message-ID: <47F79D58.5070806@minstrel.org.uk> I spotted a couple during the week. First was a story that I've since seen picked up on other channels, which is even funnier! +====================================================================+ | HACKERS ATTACK INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION | | ------------------------------------------------------------------ | | Unsupported operating system means Microsoft is unable to help | +--------------------------------------------------------------------+ The International Space Station is in crisis after hackers managed to penetrate what Nasa admits are "significant" computer systems. The three astronauts onboard the Space Station reported last night that email was no longer working. Hackers are thought to have planted a Trojan in the computer systems at Houston and used the infection to ride the satellite uplink to the Space Station. ... read the full story at --------------------------------------------------- Secondly, the usual April 1st RFC (sorry it makes this week's e-mail so long!): Network Working Group A. Falk Request for Comments: 5241 BBN Category: Informational S. Bradner Harvard University 1 April 2008 Naming Rights in IETF Protocols Status of This Memo This memo provides information for the Internet community. It does not specify an Internet standard of any kind. Distribution of this memo is unlimited. Abstract This document proposes a new revenue source for the IETF to support standardization activities: protocol field naming rights, i.e., the association of commercial brands with protocol fields. This memo describes a process for assignment of rights and explores some of the issues associated with the process. Individuals or organizations that wish to purchase naming rights for one or more protocol fields are expected to follow this process. 1. Introduction Normal engineering practice involves assigning names to fields in network protocols. These names are generally carefully chosen to reflect the function of the field, for example, the IPv4 Destination Address field. As protocol designers engage in their work, many become intensely involved with these protocol fields. Some of the most intense discussions within the IETF have been over details about such fields. In fact, it is an advantage to the continued viability of the IETF that dueling is outlawed in the countries in which it meets. But the financial realities of funding the Internet engineering and standardization processes may dictate that the IETF must consider whether names associated with such protocol fields represent an asset capable of responsible monetization. This notion may be offensive to some protocol purists; however, we believe the exigencies of the situation make the proposal below worthy of consideration. This document describes a process and some issues associated with managing the sale of commercial branding rights (or naming rights) for IETF protocol fields. The authors believe that this modest proposal may serve as a source of revenue capable of supporting IETF standardization activities for years to come. This proposal arose from the realization that the sports industry has made energetic and successful use of naming rights, for stadiums in particular, e.g., the Staples Center in Los Angeles (basketball), Qualcomm Stadium in San Diego (football), Minute Maid Park in Houston (baseball), and the Aaron's "Lucky Dog" get-a-lap-back (car racing). The Internet has enabled a new online economy that, even in the wake of the burst bubble in early 2000, is generating astounding growth and new services. It is clear that many old-economy companies would place high value on being associated with the new online economy and would be willing to pay for the privilege. Internet protocols are used around the world in myriad operating systems and devices. To be part of the Internet protocols is to be part of the engine that is revolutionizing how commerce is done. Many protocol fields are displayed in popular user applications either as key aspects of the GUI or in error or diagnostic messages. By requiring the use of the branded protocol field, the IETF is in a position to put client company brands in front of not only the thousands of software developers who build with these protocols but also the hundreds of millions of users who benefit from them. Finally, those who license and brand a protocol field will be able to use that field in their other marketing and claim, truthfully, that they are "in the network". This proposal includes creating a primary name value for each protocol field in the IANA registry and setting up a process whereby an organization or an individual can license the right to record a name of their choice in that field. This document makes the case for the need for additional revenue for the IETF (Section 2), followed by an introduction of the concept of branding in IETF protocols (Section 3). Several rules and constraints necessary to make such a revenue stream practical are then explored (Sections 4-14). Finally, this memo concludes with an initial assessment of the changes required by the IANA and RFC Editor to support such a service (Sections 15-17). The key words "MUST", "MUST NOT", "REQUIRED", "SHALL", "SHALL NOT", "SHOULD", "SHOULD NOT", "RECOMMENDED", "MAY", and "OPTIONAL" in this document are to be interpreted as described in [RFC2119]. 2. Revenue Needs Running the IETF is not inexpensive. It was reported at the 71st IETF meeting in Philadelphia, PA, USA that the 2008 budget [BUDGET] for the IETF had surpassed US$4.5 M, up from $4.1 M in 2007. About US$3 M of revenue in this budget flows directly from IETF activities, including meeting fees and sponsorships, and the remainder flows from the Internet Society (ISOC). Over the last few years the IETF has had to raise meeting fees repeatedly in order to keep this budget balance reasonable. Raising an additional US$1 M from the rental of naming rights could significantly change the budget dynamics. Perhaps meeting fees could be reduced for all attendees or special subsidies could be provided to needy students, researchers, or job seekers. Other options for the use of the increased revenue could be sizing the break cookies large enough to feed a family of geeks for a week rather than the mere day and a half as was the case at the 71st IETF, or renting out a bar for the working group chairs social rather than having to put up with the rowdy locals. There are many other equally deserving ways that the IETF could spend the resources generated by this proposal. It should be noted that any such benefits may have to be delayed for a few years to pay for the startup costs noted below. 3. How Are Branded Protocol Fields Used? 3.1. Within the IETF When a protocol field name is licensed from the IETF, all future IETF activities, and documentation for products claiming to conform to IETF standards, MUST use the complete branded name. The output from protocol implementations, and associated documentation, MUST be considered non-conformant if the complete branded name is not used. 3.2. Externally The official IETF name for a purchased field is the complete branded name. Thus, all externally generated documentation that references the protocol must be considered incomplete unless it used the complete branded name where one exists. The IETF leaves it to the licensee to enforce the use of complete branded names in non-IETF documents. 4. Names Must Be in Good Taste The combination of brand names and protocol field names must avoid uses that may be considered offensive by some part of the Internet community. Name purchases shall be reviewed for taste. Prospective purchasers must prepare a proposal for how the branded protocol name will be used in advertising or other media. (Note that a well- developed taste-review process may prove useful for other IETF activities, for example, IETF working group names, T-shirts, and host presentations.) Within the limits of taste, the branded protocol field may be used for any purpose. 5. When Names Change As has been discovered in other areas where naming rights are sold or leased, commercial realities and developments mean that a brand name can suddenly go out of favor or even cease to denote an existing entity. In addition, branding is leased (i.e., sold to be used over a limited time) and the branding for a particular field may change when the lease is up. Thus, there must be a mechanism to change branding when needed. See the IANA Considerations, RFC Editor Considerations, and Tools Considerations sections for more information. 6. Example Names The most effective names are those that pair the semantics of a field with a characteristic desirable to a sponsor. The following examples of good and bad pairings illustrate how an appropriate pairing can be appealing. 6.1. Acceptable Taste-Wise IP: Garmin GPS Destination Address IP: White & Day Mortuary Time-to-live TCP: Princess Cruise Lines Port Number ARP: Springfield Preschool Timeout BGP: Sharpie Marker field TFRC: Traveler's Insurance Loss Period SCTP: Hershey's Chunk {type|flags|length} SMTP: eHarmony HELO Protocol names appear within the fields of other protocols; therefore, the protocols themselves may be candidates for branding: BEEP: AAA BEEP SOAP: Downey SOAP PPP: FloMax PPP There is no requirement for branding to be limited to company names or other trademarked terms. For example, a publisher could decide to honor one of their authors: The Thomas Wolfe Source Address Field 6.2. In Bad Taste SIP: Seagrams Vodka SIP Event SIP: Calvin Klein Event Package IP: Viagra Total Length 6.3. Confusing Names Places where the brand could interfere with the understanding of the protocol are prohibited: SMTP: US Postal Service Mail command IPv6: ITU-T Protocol field IKE: RSA Vendor ID 6.4. Valid Names In order to be printed in the ASCII-only Real-RFC (described in Section 16) all brands must include an ASCII form. The ASCII name MUST conform to the requirements in RFC 2223 [RFC2233]. The brand MAY optionally include a UTF-8 version for use in non-ASCII representations. See RFC 3629 [RFC3629]. 7. Who Can Buy Naming Rights? Any organization or individual can purchase the right to brand a protocol field. The IETF will not undertake to ensure that the purchasing organization has the right to use the name they choose to use. All purchasing organizations MUST indemnify the IETF against any challenges to the authority of the purchasing organization to use the name. 8. Scope of Naming Applicability Because the application of IETF protocols is not controlled in a way that corresponds to legal jurisdictions, it is difficult to restrict naming rights to include just those places where a particular trademark may be registered. The process described in this memo does not include the use of geographic or geopolitical boundaries on the use of branded fields. The design team is working on a proposal to overcome this issue. If the design team is successful, the same proposal should find application in a number of areas of international diplomacy. 9. Who Can Sell Naming Rights? The IETF SHALL retain the sole right to permit branded protocol names to be used within IETF protocols. The IETF MAY sell rights for external use of branded protocol names if the protocols have been developed within the IETF process and if the protocol field has not already been branded by someone else using the same process. 10. Pricing Multiple pricing strategies for the naming rights to protocol fields will likely be used over time. The primary objective of pricing is to enable the greatest possible revenue for the IETF. Initially, prices will be set by negotiation between the party wishing to purchase the naming right and the Internet Auction Board (IAB) representative. However, we strongly suggest migrating to an all pay auction (also known as a Tullock auction) for finding the optimal price when there are multiple bidders [KOVENOCK]. Alternatively, open-outcry auctions [EKLOR], perhaps with a secret reserve price, could be held at IETF meetings using a BoF session, permitting taste review and brand assignment (sale) to be conducted concurrently and with open participation. See [MILGROM] for information on various auction styles. 11. Time of Ownership The design team could not come to consensus on a default term of a lease of the authority to name a protocol field. It was split between a term that would best represent the half-life of an Internet startup (1 or 2 years) and a term that would best represent the half-life of a product offered by a mature Internet company (8 to 10 years). The idea of terms any longer than 10 years, for example, leases that would terminate when a protocol advanced on the standards track (i.e., roughly infinite), was discussed but generally discarded because so few companies survive in any recognizable form for that length of time in the Internet space. In the end, the design team concluded that the lease term should be part of the negotiation between the IETF and the purchasing organization. 12. How Are Naming Rights Purchased? The right to name a protocol field is purchased using the following process: licensees complete an application where they identify the protocol field they wish to use and the particular RFC in which it appears (Internet-Draft tags are available for short term lease). At that time, they identify their brand and present their proposal for external use and length of ownership. The next step is a taste review followed by an auction or IAB negotiation. The purchase concludes with the IANA updating their protocol field name mapping database. 13. Dispute Resolutions All disputes arising from this process MUST be resolved using the ICANN Uniform Domain-Name Dispute-Resolution Policy [UDRP]. While the protocol fields are not domain names, branding them presents the same types of issues and we feel that it's better to make use of an existing process rather than to invent a new one. 14. Future Expansions If this proposal proves successful, it can be easily expanded to include other protocol features such as options and parameters. For example: IPv6: The Herman Melville Jumbogram option 15. IANA Considerations Upon the adoption of this proposal the IANA SHALL set up a protocol field-to-brand-name database (the "IETF Protocol Branding Catalog") that includes all protocol fields in IETF-developed or -maintained protocols. This database can be bootstrapped from the existing protocol registries database [PROTREG], but this list will have to be augmented to include all fields in all IETF protocols, even the ones in which no IANA assignments are made. The two brand name fields associated with each protocol field (the ASCII field and the optional UTF-8 field) are initialized as NULL. Whenever the IETF leases a protocol field, the IANA SHALL enter the brand name(s) into the brand-named fields associated with the protocol field and SHALL set the lease termination date to the proper value. In addition, the IANA SHALL regularly scan the database to look for leases terminating within the next 30 days and inform the IETF of any such leases so that the IAB can approach the leaseholder to sign up for an additional term. The IANA SHALL remove any brand names from their database when the lease expires. 16. RFC Editor Considerations Upon the adoption of this proposal the RFC Editor SHALL create XML versions of all IETF RFCs. The XML must be such that a perfect copy of the original RFC can be produced using a tool such as xml2rfc [XML2RFC]. The XML versions of RFCs must identify all individual protocol fields using an XML protocol field element of the form: (Doing this for all existing RFCs may involve some work.) As the XML RFCs are completed, the RFC Editor SHALL then create an ASCII version of the RFC from the XML file using the naming convention of "Real_RFCxxxx.txt". During the translation, each protocol field is looked up in the IANA protocol field-to-brand name database. If there is an ASCII brand name associated with the protocol field, the word "the" and the brand name are prepended to the IETF name for the field (unless the name appears in ASCII art where changing the length of the name would distort the art). For example, if the protocol field is "Destination Address" and the brand name in the IANA database is "Garmin GPS", the string "the Garmin GPS Destination Address" would be used in the Real_RFC. Changing the lengths of such names may require adjusting the other details of the document such as page numbering in the Table of Contents. The software to do some of the formatting might be a bit tricky. The RFC Editor may optionally produce other non-normative versions of Real_RFCs. For example, a non-normative Portable Document Format (PDF) version may be created in addition to the ASCII Real_RFC version. The RFC Editor may use the UTF-8 brand, if present, in such alternate versions. The Real_RFC SHALL be used for all normal purposes within the IETF and elsewhere with the original version being reserved as an archival reference. The RFC Editor SHALL rebuild all the Real_RFCs on a regular basis to create up-to-date Real_RFCs that reflect the current status of the protocol field licenses. The RFC Editor SHALL provide a list of un-leased field names to the IANA for inclusion in the IETF Protocol Branding Catalog. 17. Tool Builder Considerations Upon the adoption of this proposal, the maintainer of the official xml2rfc tool SHALL update the tool to support the protocol field element and to consult the IANA database when being used to produce Real_RFCs (or Real_IDs). Upon the adoption of this proposal, document authors will be required to transmit the raw XML input file for the xml2rfc tool to the RFC Editor when the document is approved for publication. 18. Security Considerations The fact that the IETF will not undertake to ensure that the purchasing organization has the right to use the name they choose to use can lead to mischief. For example, a Microsoft competitor could purchase the right to name the IPv4 Header Security Flag [RFC3514] "the Microsoft Evil bit". 19. Conclusion The discussion above has introduced the concept of branding IETF protocols and the associated implications. Clearly there are non- trivial costs to starting up and maintaining such a revenue stream. However, advertising has a long and distinguished history of supporting valuable community services such as free broadcast television and Google. As branded protocols become established, new protocols will be developed with names conducive to branding. In fact, licensees may initiate new IETF work just to see an appropriate field established. So, besides the economic benefits to the IETF, this initiative may in fact help ensure the IETF is never without work and, thus, self- sustaining and self-perpetuating. 20. References 20.1. Normative References [RFC2233] Postel, J. and J. Reynolds, "Instructions to RFC Authors", RFC 2223, October 1997. 20.2. Informative References [BUDGET] IETF 2008 budget, . [EKLOR] Eklor, M and A. Launander, "Open outcry auctions with secret reserve prices: an empirical application to executive auctions of tenant owner's apartments in Sweden", Journal of Econometrics, Volume 114, Issue 2, June 2003, pages 243-260. [KOVENOCK] Kovenock, D. & de Vries, C.G., 1995. "The All-Pay Auction with Complete Information", UFAE and IAE Working Papers 311.95, Unitat de Fonaments de l'Analisi Economica (UAB) and Institut d'Analisi Economica (CSIC), revised. [MILGROM] Milgrom, P., "Auctions and Bidding: A Primer", Journal of Economic Perspectives, American Economic Association, vol. 3(3), pages 3-22, Summer 1989. [PROTREG] IANA Protocol Registries, . [RFC2119] Bradner, S., "Key words for use in RFCs to Indicate Requirement Levels", BCP 14, RFC 2119, March 1997. [RFC3514] Bellovin, S., "The Security Flag in the IPv4 Header," RFC 3514, 1 April 2003. [RFC3629] Yergeau, F., "UTF-8, a transformation format of ISO 10646", STD 63, RFC 3629, November 2003. [UDRP] ICANN, "Uniform Domain-Name Dispute-Resolution Policy", . [XML2RFC] "A handy little tool", . 21. Acknowledgments Craig Milo Rogers receives credit for the idea which lead to this proposal. Allison Mankin contributed to some early discussions of the issues associated with naming rights. Also, thanks to David Parkes for his advice on types of auctions. Editors' Addresses Aaron Falk BBN Technologies 10 Moulton Street Cambridge MA, 02138 USA Phone: +1 617 873 2575 EMail: falk at bbn.com Scott Bradner Harvard University 29 Oxford St. Cambridge MA, 02138 USA Phone: +1 617 495 3864 EMail: sob at harvard.edu Full Copyright Statement Copyright (C) The IETF Trust (2008). This document is subject to the rights, licenses and restrictions contained in BCP 78, and except as set forth therein, the authors retain all their rights. This document and the information contained herein are provided on an "AS IS" basis and THE CONTRIBUTOR, THE ORGANIZATION HE/SHE REPRESENTS OR IS SPONSORED BY (IF ANY), THE INTERNET SOCIETY, THE IETF TRUST AND THE INTERNET ENGINEERING TASK FORCE DISCLAIM ALL WARRANTIES, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO ANY WARRANTY THAT THE USE OF THE INFORMATION HEREIN WILL NOT INFRINGE ANY RIGHTS OR ANY IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE. Intellectual Property The IETF takes no position regarding the validity or scope of any Intellectual Property Rights or other rights that might be claimed to pertain to the implementation or use of the technology described in this document or the extent to which any license under such rights might or might not be available; nor does it represent that it has made any independent effort to identify any such rights. Information on the procedures with respect to rights in RFC documents can be found in BCP 78 and BCP 79. Copies of IPR disclosures made to the IETF Secretariat and any assurances of licenses to be made available, or the result of an attempt made to obtain a general license or permission for the use of such proprietary rights by implementers or users of this specification can be obtained from the IETF on-line IPR repository at http://www.ietf.org/ipr. The IETF invites any interested party to bring to its attention any copyrights, patents or patent applications, or other proprietary rights that may cover technology that may be required to implement this standard. Please address the information to the IETF at ietf-ipr at ietf.org. -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398 From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Fri Apr 11 05:32:40 2008 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Fri, 11 Apr 2008 05:32:40 +0100 Subject: [Friday Funny] Understanding Engineers Message-ID: <47FEE9E8.205@minstrel.org.uk> *Understanding Engineers - One* Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said: "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said: "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said: "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway." --------------------------------------------------- *Understanding Engineers - Two* To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. --------------------------------------------------- *Understanding Engineers - Three* A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?" ------------------------------------------------- *Understanding Engineers - Four* What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets. -------------------------------------------------- *Understanding Engineers - Five* The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" ---------------------------------------------------- *Understanding Engineers - Six* Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" --------------------------------------------------- *Understanding Engineers - Seven Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398 From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Fri Apr 18 07:08:37 2008 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Fri, 18 Apr 2008 07:08:37 +0100 Subject: [Friday Funny] Quiz Show Answers Message-ID: <48083AE5.6080304@minstrel.org.uk> DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM) Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year? Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue. Kelly: OK. What do beans come in? Contestant: Cartons? BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2) Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is? Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point. Theakston: There's a clue in the title. Contestant: Leicester. BBC NORFOLK Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with 'What A Wonderful World'? Contestant: I don't know. White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow? Contestant: Arm. White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...? Contestant: Strong. White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name? Contestant: Louis. White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song 'What A Wonderful World'? Contestant: Frank Sinatra? LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS ) Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy? Contestant: France . Trelinski: France is another country. Try again. Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm. Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon? Contestant: Sorry, I don't know. Trelinski: Just guess a country then. Contestant: Paris . UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2) Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'? Contestant: Homosexuals. Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you. THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2) Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party? Contestant: The Conservative Party. BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON) DJ Mark: For ?10, what is the nationality of the Pope? Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish? THE WEAKEST LINK Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet? Contestant: Jool carriageway? UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name? Contestant: Goosey? GWR FM (Bristol) Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963? Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then. RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND) Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...? Caller: Mohicans. QUIZMANIA Greg Scott: We're looking for a word that goes in front of 'clock'. Contestant: Grandfather. Scott: Grandfather clock is already up there, say something else. Contestant: Panda. PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER) Phil: What's 11 squared? Contestant: I don't know. Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle. Contestant: Is it five? RICHARD AND JUDY Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman? A: Forrest Gump. RICHARD AND JUDY Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live? Contestant: Er . . . Leslie: He makes bread . . . Contestant: Er . . . Leslie: He makes cakes . . . Contestant: Kipling Street ? MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND) Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated? Contestant: Erm . . . Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964. Contestant: 1965? SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV) Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held? Contestant: Six. Tufnell: Higher! Contestant: Five. FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV) Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED and PIT. Team: Chedpit. LINCS FM PHONE-IN Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world? Contestant: Barcelona . Presenter: I was really after the name of a country. Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain . RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total? Contestant: 23. NOUGHTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM) Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest? Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland , is it? THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT) Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the letter 'e'. Contestant: Ghana . Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean . Contestant: New Zealand . NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1) Question: What is the world's largest continent? Contestant: The Pacific. ROCK FM (PRESTON) Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci. Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit? THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV) Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918? Contestant: Magna Carta. JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC) O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry? Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er ... er ... three? NATIONAL LOTTERY Eamon Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and what? Contestant: Jelly. RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2) Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek goddess of victory? Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's? BLIND DATE (ITV) Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen. Boy: Charlotte Bronte. CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL) Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna? Caller: Japan . Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again. Caller: Er ... Mexico? DOG EAT DOG (BBC1) Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord of the Rings? Contestant: Enid Blyton PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE) Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last? Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days. NATIONAL LOTTERY Eamon Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what? Contestant: Basketball. NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place? Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbour? DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO) Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels? Contestant: Holland? Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet. Contestant: Iceland? Ireland? Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel? Contestant: No. PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR) Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible? Contestant: Er . . . Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . . Contestant: Blimey? Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . . Contestant: (Silence) Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . . Contestant: Walked? NATIONAL LOTTERY Dale Winton: Skegness is a seaside resort on the coast of which sea: a) Irish Sea, b) English Channel, c) North Sea? Contestant: Oh, I know that, you can start writing out the cheque now, Dale. It's on the east coast, so it must be the Irish Sea . THE VAULT Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time? Contestant: Nostalgia. LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB) Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes? Contestant: Jewish. Presenter: That's close enough. BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1 Chris Moyles: Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes? Contestant: Ummm . . . Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'. Contestant: Shark. STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2) Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play? Contestant: Jesus. -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398 From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Fri Apr 25 10:54:32 2008 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Fri, 25 Apr 2008 10:54:32 +0100 Subject: [Friday Funny] Men and Women Message-ID: <4811AA58.8080902@minstrel.org.uk> NICKNAMES If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah . If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in ?20, even though it's only for ?32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY A man will pay ?2 for a ?1 item he needs. A woman will pay ?1 for a ?2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no point in two people remembering the same thing. -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398