From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Sat Aug 9 18:05:52 2008 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Sat, 09 Aug 2008 19:05:52 +0100 Subject: [Friday Funny] New Chemical Element Message-ID: <489DDC80.6000802@minstrel.org.uk> The first of these has been around for a while, but I am reliably informed I haven't sent it out as a Friday Funny before. Apologies for not getting around to these *on* Friday very often, but times are busy! ----------------------------------------------- NEW CHEMICAL ELEMENT FOUND A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named "Governmentium". Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of four years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." You will know it when you see it. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium -- an element which radiates just as much energy since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. [Also, further breaking news in a similar vein] Further research revealed that Governmentium also occurs naturally alongside Capitalium, a lighter, but more numerous element. Capitalium is compromised of a cloud of entreprenions, which are attracted to a core of opportunium, which was made stable by emissions from Governmentium. Over time, Capitalium produces emissions of money, some of which is absorbed by nearby Governmentium. Capitaliums will thus try to move as far away from Governmentium as possible. But most of this money is transmitted between other Capitaliums in what is know as the venture band. These oscillations of money produces economyetic radiation, which attracts more entreprenions, and stimulates peons, but also attracts greedions and slackhyons which have the temporary effect of increasing the flow of money in the venture band, while increasing their own energy. However, as the flow in the venture band increases, the greedions and slachyons reach critical mass, and the flow of money becomes unstable and suddenly reduces dramatically. Capitaliums spontaneously split from their now depleted opportunium and evolve into Spend 0 particles, refusing to bond to any more opportunium. Any peons in the region become inert and may decay, or be absorbed by greedions and slackhyons, forming anti-entreprenions, which have the effect of destroying any opportunium they contact with. The state will remain unstable for a time until the depleted Capitaliums begin to move closer to Governmentium. When this happens Governmentium undergoes a shift and emits bailout radiation, which has the effect of releasing vast amounts of stored money into the venture band and into Capitaliums. This restimulates the Capitaliums and they once again begin to emit economyetic radiation, and also move away from Governmentium. Interestingly, Governmentium can be formed by either the fusion of peons, or the fusion of Capitaliums. However these two types of Governmentium have different spins, which manifests itself through their interactions with Medium, a type of Capitalium, which has the ability to pick up Governmentium and Capitalium spin, and then broadcast it to nearby peons. -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398 From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Fri Aug 29 14:26:38 2008 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Fri, 29 Aug 2008 15:26:38 +0100 Subject: [Friday Funny] Top Tips Message-ID: <48B8071E.9030709@minstrel.org.uk> Probably sent before, but for those that haven't seen it... ---------------------------------- DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Just think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like, and hum that instead. CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD recorders by having a p*ss before the film starts. RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place. DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements. WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains. SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint. MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again. BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you. EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin. MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it. GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending ?50 to yourself by Royal Mail. BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching. BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time. ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness. DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send it on its way. PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, just move it all back again. CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat. DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!', thus saving money on paracetamol, etc. MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea. JEREMY Beadle: When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks. SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day. SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside. BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan. ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices. McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows. -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398