[Friday Funny] New Chemical Element

[The Friday Funny]

The first of these has been around for a while, but I am reliably informed I haven't sent it out as a Friday Funny before.  Apologies for not getting around to these *on* Friday very often, but times are busy!

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NEW CHEMICAL ELEMENT FOUND

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named "Governmentium".

Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.  Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.  A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of four years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." You will know it when you see it.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium -- an element which radiates just as much energy since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

[Also, further breaking news in a similar vein]

Further research revealed that Governmentium also occurs naturally alongside Capitalium, a lighter, but more numerous element. Capitalium is compromised of a cloud of entreprenions, which are attracted to a core of opportunium, which was made stable by emissions from Governmentium.

Over time, Capitalium produces emissions of money, some of which is absorbed by nearby Governmentium. Capitaliums will thus try to move as far away from Governmentium as possible. But most of this money is transmitted between other Capitaliums in what is know as the venture band. These oscillations of money produces economyetic radiation, which attracts more entreprenions, and stimulates peons, but also attracts greedions and slackhyons which have the temporary effect of increasing the flow of money in the venture band, while increasing their own energy.

However, as the flow in the venture band increases, the greedions and slachyons reach critical mass, and the flow of money becomes unstable and suddenly reduces dramatically. Capitaliums spontaneously split from their now depleted opportunium and evolve into Spend 0 particles, refusing to bond to any more opportunium. Any peons in the region become inert and may decay, or be absorbed by greedions and slackhyons, forming anti-entreprenions, which have the effect of destroying any opportunium they contact with.

The state will remain unstable for a time until the depleted Capitaliums begin to move closer to Governmentium. When this happens Governmentium undergoes a shift and emits bailout radiation, which has the effect of releasing vast amounts of stored money into the venture band and into Capitaliums. This restimulates the Capitaliums and they once again begin to emit economyetic radiation, and also move away from Governmentium.

Interestingly, Governmentium can be formed by either the fusion of peons, or the fusion of Capitaliums. However these two types of Governmentium have different spins, which manifests itself through their interactions with Medium, a type of Capitalium, which has the ability to pick up Governmentium and Capitalium spin, and then broadcast it to nearby peons.

-- 
Peter SJF Bance
http://www.minstrel.org.uk/
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