[Friday Funny] Top Tips

[The Friday Funny]

Probably sent before, but for those that haven't seen it...

----------------------------------

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods.  Just think of your favourite tune 
and hum it.  If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song 
you like, and hum that instead. 
 
CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD recorders by having 
a p*ss before the film starts. 
 
RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by 
actually speaking clearly in the first place. 
 
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your 
identity stolen.  Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with 
your old bank statements. 
 
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red 
wine?  Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove 
the stains. 
 
SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial 
tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint. 
 
MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to 
yourself via DHL. You will never see it again. 
 
BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking 
out, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you. 
 
EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs 
into the bin. 
 
MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the 
volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your 
wife from having to do it. 
 
GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by 
Royal Mail. 
 
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very 
small horse is approaching. 
 
BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not 
wearing heavy dark glasses all the time. 
 
ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness. 
 
DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn 
and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send it 
on its way. 
 
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving 
everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed.  In the 
morning, just move it all back again. 
 
CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view.  All the 
valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat. 
 
DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', 
simply shout 'Help!', thus saving money on paracetamol, etc. 
 
MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.  
Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you 
are listening to the sea. 
 
JEREMY Beadle: When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your 
bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks. 
 
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day. 
 
SINGLE men:  Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing 
outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and 
occasionally glancing inside. 
 
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg 
into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph.  
After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan. 
 
ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from.  Go to the 
pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices. 
 
McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in 
with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows. 

-- 
Peter SJF Bance
http://www.minstrel.org.uk/
XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel
MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398