From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com  Fri Dec 12 18:18:21 2008
From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny)
Date: Fri, 12 Dec 2008 18:18:21 +0000
Subject: [Friday Funny] Cane Toads
Message-ID: <4942AAED.9090101@minstrel.org.uk>

Apologies if I've sent this around before, but I just found it in the bowels of my computer.  Rather old, as you can see...

---------------------------------

From: <muzzle at cs.uq.oz.au>
Subject: MADDI PICK: Die, Cane Toad, DIE!!!
Date: Tue, 5 Aug 97 21:10:00 EDT


   Cane toads were introduced into Queensland (Australia), supposedly to help
   control the cane beetle population.  It seemed like a good idea: the only
   problem was that it didn't work (although your average cane toad will
   give a rat a good fight).   Queensland has been stuck with this poisonous
   insectivore, which has become an unofficial mascot of our state.  It's not
   that we're obsessed with them...


>From the news archives at the University of Queensland:


From: anthony at cs.uq.oz.au (Anthony Lee)
Subject: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 12 Feb 92 00:34:21 GMT

ANTHONY: Has anyone got an old golf club that they don't want ?
ANTHONY:        
ANTHONY: Thank you 
ANTHONY: Anthony


From: farrell at cs.uq.oz.au (Friendless)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 12 Feb 92 00:59:23 GMT

FARRELL: >Has anyone got an old golf club that they don't want ?
FARRELL:
FARRELL:  Yes, the St Lucia gold club is a bit old and tatty and I can't get
FARRELL: there regularly any more. Be my guest.
FARRELL:
FARRELL: Friendless.


From: warwick at cs.uq.oz.au (Warwick Allison)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 12 Feb 92 02:29:56 GMT

WARWICK: >  Yes, the St Lucia gold club is a bit old and tatty and I can't get
WARWICK: >there regularly any more. Be my guest.
WARWICK:
WARWICK: Oh don't be so silly, you know he meant racquet.
WARWICK:
WARWICK:
WARWICK: Warwick.


From: ralf at cs.uq.oz.au (Ralf Muhlberger)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 12 Feb 92 03:36:25 GMT

RALF: >Oh don't be so silly, you know he meant racquet.
RALF: 
RALF: An old golf club that they don't racquet ? --- I don't understand  ;-)
RALF: 
RALF: Ralf


From: anthony at cs.uq.oz.au (Anthony Lee)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 12 Feb 92 11:43:23 GMT

ANTHONY: I don't know why you guys have to make it so complicated. 
ANTHONY: Look I am just to death of seeing cane toads outside the front of
ANTHONY: the CS building everytime I come in ok.  So I need an old golf
ANTHONY: club to hit them with.  I mean what else would you use a golf 
ANTHONY: club for :-) ?


From: davo at cs.uq.oz.au (David Reeves)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 12 Feb 92 22:07:04 GMT

DAVO: >club to hit them with.  I mean what else would you use a golf 
DAVO: >club for :-) ?
DAVO: 
DAVO: Have you thought of the damage you could inflict on unsuspecting
DAVO: fellow human beings after they've been hit by a high velocity
DAVO: cane toad... Really Anthony ... I do hear that putting them in a
DAVO: freezer is a good way of killing them, So I suggest you hit them
DAVO: with a freezer. ( If nothing else it does a lot more damage. )
DAVO: 
DAVO: Davo.


From: ralf at cs.uq.oz.au (Ralf Muhlberger)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 12 Feb 92 22:42:11 GMT

RALF: Now that is a good idea! So I suppose the question now is if anyone
RALF: has an old freezer they don't want anymore.


From: da at cs.uq.oz.au (David Anderson)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 13 Feb 92 01:29:09 GMT

DA: Well davo has a fridge here on the fourth floor.
DA: 
DA: Now, if we could just persuade a few cane toads to gather below
DA: the workshop window ...


From: farrell at cs.uq.oz.au (Friendless)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 13 Feb 92 10:07:47 GMT

FARRELL: >Now, if we could just persuade a few cane toads to gather below
FARRELL: >the workshop window ...
FARRELL: 
FARRELL:  I think Anthony wants to kill the toads himself. Therefore *he* should
FARRELL: assemble below the window and catch it and take it to the toads himself
FARRELL:
FARRELL: BTW Anthony, what's wrong with a cricket bat? Why choose an elitist
FARRELL: Japanese-style item of sports apparatus to kill toads?


From: anthony at cs.uq.oz.au (Anthony Lee)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 16 Feb 92 05:59:22 GMT

ANTHONY: Nothing wrong with a cricket bat, in fact if anyone has an old cricket 
ANTHONY: bat I will gladly use it.  I have a confession to make, it is not just
ANTHONY: the toads outside the department that's giving trouble.  There are
ANTHONY: hundreds of toads outside our new house in Corinda.  Just the other
ANTHONY: night I used an old umbrella to kill one.  Boy, those things are hard
ANTHONY: to kill.  I hit it a few times but it refused to die.  Eventually I
ANTHONY: used the tip and went for his lungs.  He died, see I had to do it, my
ANTHONY: dog was coming and he would have tried to eat it.  Also I have no more
ANTHONY: room in my freezer :-).


From: rhys at cs.uq.oz.au (Rhys Weatherley)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 16 Feb 92 21:12:21 GMT

RHYS: I should report you to the TLAQ (Toad Lover's Association of Queensland).
RHYS: Golf clubs, cricket bats and falling freezers are condoned in the charter
RHYS: of the TLAQ, because the toad still has a fighting chance.  But umbrella
RHYS: tips? That is just too cruel.  You are a sicko!  So what if your dog eats
RHYS: a toad and dies?  That's just natural selection at work.  But umbrellas
RHYS: are not natural.
RHYS:
RHYS: Help stamp out umbrellas in the war against toads!
RHYS:
RHYS: :-)
RHYS:
RHYS: Rhys.


From: da at cs.uq.oz.au (David Anderson)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 16 Feb 92 23:07:54 GMT

DA: > ..  Eventually I used the tip and went for his lungs.  He died, ...
DA: 
DA: Yes, and often even this doesn't kill them. I'll bet he wasn't there in the
DA: morning. Hopefully, a solution to this obnoxious little pest will arrive
DA: soon. Until then ...
DA: 
DA: F O U R !!


From: anthony at cs.uq.oz.au (Anthony Lee)
Subject: Re: Wanted: An old golf club
Date: 17 Feb 92 00:36:08 GMT

ANTHONY:> >... I'll bet he wasn't there in the morning ...
ANTHONY:
ANTHONY: Oh yes he was there in the morning (at least his body was).


From: anthony at cs.uq.oz.au (Anthony Lee)
Subject: Pottery forsale
Date: 17 Feb 92 11:48:59 GMT

ANTHONY: I recently moved from St Lucia to Corinda and I found a few
ANTHONY: pieces of pottery that I've made in high school.  I was thinking
ANTHONY: of throwing them out but some for them do look...well interesting.
ANTHONY: Come to my room and have a look if you are curious.  I will give
ANTHONY: them away for $2 each.  What a bargain !


From: adrian at cs.uq.oz.au (Adrian Lee)
Subject: Re: Pottery forsale
Date: 17 Feb 92 20:13:51 GMT

ADRIAN: > pieces of pottery that I've made in high school.  I was thinking
ADRIAN: > of throwing them out but some for them do look...well interesting.
ADRIAN: 
ADRIAN: Why not use them on cane toads?  Depending on the weight of the
ADRIAN: "art objects" they could either be used as projectiles or for crushing.
ADRIAN: 
ADRIAN: Adrian


From: anthony at cs.uq.oz.au (Anthony Lee)
Subject: Re: Pottery forsale
Date: 18 Feb 92 01:21:42 GMT

ANTHONY: I also have some paintings forsale too, I don't know if they are 
ANTHONY: any good for killing cane toads.


				[SIX MONTHS LATER]


From: anthony at cs.uq.oz.au (Anthony Lee)
Subject: Pottery and paintings give away
Date: 25 Aug 92 22:28:06 GMT

ANTHONY: I am about to move desk and I want to give away a
ANTHONY: collection of fine paintings and pottery pieces.
ANTHONY: Yes, they were already at the low price of $2 a
ANTHONY: piece but now I am giving them away.  Yes, it is
ANTHONY: unbelievable that I am giving away such fine
ANTHONY: pieces but I have no room for them.  
ANTHONY: 
ANTHONY: Come to room 706 and inspect them for yourself.
ANTHONY: There are no hidden extras.  Think of the time when
ANTHONY: you wish you had a paper weight.  Think of the time
ANTHONY: when you want to throw something at your dog to
ANTHONY: stop it from barking.  Summer is coming and you
ANTHONY: need something to drop on cane toads.


From: sarge at cs.uq.oz.au (The Lemming)
Subject: Cane Toads
Date: 31 Aug 92 01:48:51 GMT

SARGE: .
SARGE: --
SARGE: -------------------------------------------------------------------------
SARGE: Leap before you look.                      sarge at cs.uq.oz.au
SARGE: The Lemming.
SARGE: -------------------------------------------------------------------------


From: rhys at cs.uq.oz.au (Rhys Weatherley)
Subject: Re: Cane Toads
Date: 31 Aug 92 02:43:08 GMT

RHYS: In uqcs.test sarge at cs.uq.oz.au (The Lemming) writes:
RHYS: 
RHYS: >.
RHYS:  ^_____	This is a cane toad before being hit with a fridge.
RHYS: 
RHYS:  *	This is a cane toad after being hit with a fridge.
RHYS: 
RHYS:  o	This is a cane toad that has been spiked with an umbrella.
RHYS: 
RHYS:  ^	This is a cane toad hopping away from certain doom at the hands 
RHYS: 		of Anthony Lee.
RHYS:
RHYS:  <	This is a cane toad heading out over the back fence at great
RHYS:		speed after being hit with a golf club.
RHYS:
RHYS:  >	This is a cane toad heading out over the front fence.
RHYS:
RHYS:  ~	This is a cane toad after being run over by a car (tire tracks).
RHYS:
RHYS:  _	This is a cane toad that has been run over by a steam-roller.
RHYS: 
RHYS:  +	This is two cane toads in the middle of the road that have been
RHYS:		run over while increasing the cane toad population.
RHYS:
RHYS: Can anyone think of any more? :-)


From: muzzle at cs.uq.oz.au (Murray Chapman)
Subject: Re: Cane Toads
Date: 31 Aug 92 02:56:30 GMT

MURRAY: >Can anyone think of any more? :-)
MURRAY:
MURRAY:		This is the cane toad that has been redirected into /dev/null.
MURRAY:
MURRAY:  0	This is a cane toad after being hit by a hunting arrow fired
MURRAY:		from a 200lb bow.
MURRAY:
MURRAY:  ~~~~=>	This is a cane toad heading out over the front fence at great
MURRAY: 	speed after being hit with a golf club after being set on fire
MURRAY:		after having kerosene poured down its throat through the straw
MURRAY:		you inserted just after hitting it with a hammer so that it sat
MURRAY:		up nicely.
MURRAY: 
MURRAY: You asked.


From: muzzle at cs.uq.oz.au (Murray Chapman)
Subject: Re: Cane Toads
Date: 31 Aug 92 03:18:03 GMT

MURRAY: The Pine Rivers Shire Council has a semi-annual toad cull... and this
MURRAY: year they published a list of what NOT to bring to the hunt:
MURRAY: 
MURRAY:         - golf clubs
MURRAY:         - spirit torches/flame throwers
MURRAY:         - cattle prods
MURRAY:         - baseball/cricket bats with spikes driven through them
MURRAY:         - metal rakes
MURRAY:         - bows/crossbows
MURRAY:         - bicycles/motorbikes/motortrikes
MURRAY:         - scythes
MURRAY:         - pitchforks
MURRAY:         - lawnmowers (including manual, electric, petrol, and ride-on).
MURRAY: 
MURRAY: Thought you'd like to know.


From: warwick at cs.uq.oz.au (Warwick Allison)
Subject: Re: Cane Toads
Date: 1 Sep 92 07:16:31 GMT

WARWICK: Ah, what a kind and caring bunch we are...  do we still pull the wings
WARWICK: from flies too?


From: tonyg at cs.uq.oz.au (Tony Gedge)
Subject: Re: Cane Toads
Date: 1 Sep 92 11:12:13 GMT

TONY: >Ah, what a kind and caring bunch we are...  do we still pull the wings
TONY: >from flies too?
TONY: 
TONY: Only while I'm waiting for the coffee machine to stop dripping...
TONY: 
TONY: Tony Gedge.


From: davo at cs.uq.oz.au (David Reeves)
Subject: Re: Cane Toads
Date: 1 Sep 92 22:36:33 GMT

DAVO: Only so that we can, drop fridges on them, hit them with golf clubs, burn
DAVO: the with flame throwers, etc. :-)


From: muzzle at cs.uq.oz.au (Murray Chapman)
Subject: Re: Cane Toads
Date: 3 Sep 92 05:51:42 GMT

MURRAY: ...and then feed them to toads?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Compiled and edited by Murray Chapman

Murray Chapman                          muzzle at cs.uq.oz.au
Department of Computer Science,
University of Queensland,               How many lightbulb jokes does
St Lucia, AUSTRALIA                     it take to change the subject?

-- 
Peter SJF Bance
http://www.minstrel.org.uk/
XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel
MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398

From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com  Fri Dec 19 16:08:11 2008
From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny)
Date: Fri, 19 Dec 2008 16:08:11 +0000
Subject: [Friday Funny] 20 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus
Message-ID: <20081219160811.f1jmdex8g4sc488o-Zvafgery@webmail.spamcop.net>

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining
that you think he should lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, find his sleigh and write him a speeding
ticket.

3. Leave him a note explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask
if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas.
Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room.  If you think a bull goes crazy
when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa
suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that
say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called to
remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse
to let him leave because the party is in "his" honour.

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it.  As soon as he
comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last
payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk, with a note
that says, "For The Tooth Fairy."  Leave another plate out with half a
stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note
that says, "For Santa."

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed.  When
Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They
always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and
corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed
wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see
them.  Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and
fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved.  Include a map with
unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney.  Wait for Santa to get
caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he
looked like a bear.

17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes.  While he's in the
house, go out on the roof.  When he comes back up, act like you've been
"trampled."   Threaten to sue.

19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny.  Wait for Santa to come and then say,
"This neighbourhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

-- 
Peter SJF Bance
http://www.minstrel.org.uk/
XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel
MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398