From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Fri Jun 6 06:19:42 2008 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Fri, 06 Jun 2008 07:19:42 +0100 Subject: [Friday Funny] Thanks for all the e-mail Message-ID: <4848D6FE.7080006@minstrel.org.uk> My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year: I must send my thanks to whomever sent me the one about rat manure in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. I now scrub the top of every can I open - for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl, who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. In fact, all my money is gone, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program... Or, I'll receive it from that senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long-lost relative of a customer who died intestate. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena will grant my every wish. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. And I don't go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan. I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum. And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by an axe-wielding maniac waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 1200 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this, because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door-neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician. -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398 From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Fri Jun 13 07:47:20 2008 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Fri, 13 Jun 2008 08:47:20 +0100 Subject: [Friday Funny] Humour Research Message-ID: <48522608.4020403@minstrel.org.uk> I may have sent this out before (a long time ago)... LONDON, England (CNN) -- In an experiment conducted in Great Britain, people around the world were invited to judge jokes on an Internet site as well as contribute their own. Dr. Richard Wiseman's LaughLab research resulted in a ranking of jokes from many countries. Here are some of the top laughs by country. -- Top joke in the United Kingdom A woman gets onto a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you." -- Top joke in the United States A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years." -- Top joke in Canada When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 Celsius. The Russians used a pencil. -- Top joke in Australia This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight ..." -- Top joke in Belgium Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks. -- Top joke in Germany A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it." -- Top joke in the world Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?" -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398 From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Fri Jun 20 17:28:36 2008 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Fri, 20 Jun 2008 18:28:36 +0100 Subject: [Friday Funny] Random Worries Message-ID: <485BE8C4.6040100@minstrel.org.uk> Sorry for the tardiness this week, but to make up for it we have a hand-crafted original, out of the mind of the good lady wife...! ----------------------------------------------- Random worries when you're trying to sleep * Why do people keep hassling me at work? I?m going to carry two sacks around tomorrow. Then, when someone says, ?Can you give me a hand?? I can say, ?Sorry, got these sacks.? * Right, let?s go through the ?Grudges to Settle? list one more time? * Perhaps I shouldn?t have told the interviewer that I couldn?t wait to blog about the job? * What if I?m a fictional character? * Why do my thoughts sound like the voice of Skeletor right now? Is that you again, Evil Me? * Ah. It seems the recommended intake of eight glasses of water per day shouldn?t all be drunk just before bedtime. Do I try to make it to the bathroom, or would it be dangerous to move right now? * Hmm. Maybe I'll let the neighbours go free tomorrow. * Is the footage of that Yes keyboard solo going to finish uploading today? * Did I turn off the TV after I watched that video from The Ring? I'm sure I can hear white noise... * I wonder how Amy Winehouse is doing. * Those war crimes are going to catch up with me sooner or later... * If ?42? is the answer to life, the universe and everything, perhaps it would help to understand ?everything? if we broke that word down. Basically, it?s made up of ?ever? and ?ything?. Nope, still doesn?t make sense. * I shouldn?t laugh when children fall over. Think of all the ants they might have just killed. * Why does Diane in Accounts have a wax doll on her desk that looks like me? * I can't sleep now. I need to go and blog about that cup of tea I just had. It was slightly stronger than the one I drank earlier... * Are extra terrestrials having fun destroying the world and mocking us at the same time by taking it in turns to be US president under the same name? * Perhaps it was bad of me to take the children to that burned-out warehouse and say, ?Oh no! Disneyland burned down!? * Wish I hadn't decided to take the sleeping pills as well as the laxative... * Hey, I could save trees if I switch to paperless death threats. * Am I awake, or just dreaming that I am? * I now regret the operation to have my eyelids removed. * If we create a world without war and hate, aliens will attack because we wouldn?t be expecting it. * Still can?t remember where I put the baby? * I didn?t manage to shame anyone today. What?s wrong with me? * If trees could scream, would we still carry on cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. * If life flashes before our eyes before we die, do we see everything to the point of the flashback and then have the flashback again, so we get stuck in an infinite loop? ----------------------------------------------- And finally: 50 office-speak phrases you love to hate http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/7457287.stm -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398