From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Fri Mar 7 22:55:06 2008 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Fri, 07 Mar 2008 22:55:06 +0000 Subject: [Friday Funny] Signs Message-ID: <47D1C7CA.7020805@minstrel.org.uk> Sorry it's late, and just a quick one today! --------------------------- Did I read that sign right? TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD Outside a second-hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398 From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Fri Mar 14 06:18:07 2008 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Fri, 14 Mar 2008 06:18:07 +0000 Subject: [Friday Funny] Fourteen Things That It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn (by Dave Barry) Message-ID: <47DA189F.40301@minstrel.org.uk> 1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings." 3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 5. You should not confuse your career with your life. 6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 7. Never lick a steak knife. 8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip. 9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight saving time. 10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven. 12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers. 13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.) 14. Your friends love you anyway. -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398 From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Fri Mar 28 20:09:56 2008 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Fri, 28 Mar 2008 20:09:56 -0000 (Europe/London) Subject: [Friday Funny] One-Liners from the Edinburgh Festival Message-ID: <44342.62.25.109.199.1206734996.squirrel@www.clasconsultants.net> I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat. - Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. - Jimmy Carr The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears. - Chris Addison at the Pleasance My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs. - Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh*tting herself. - Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night. - Susan Murray at the Underbelly Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks? - Adam Bloom at the Pleasance My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t. - Susan Murray at the Underbelly You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening... was it self-raising?" - Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face. - Jeremy Limb, at the Trap I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help". - Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a hoax. - Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. - Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms A talking dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber?" - Steven Alan Green at C34 It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake. - Chris Addison at the Pleasance If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that. - Milton Jones at the Unknown -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ -------------- next part -------------- An HTML attachment was scrubbed... URL: http://lists.internetgremlin.com/pipermail/fridayfunny/attachments/20080328/774d9e8f/attachment.html