[Friday Funny] One-Liners from the Edinburgh Festival

[The Friday Funny]

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
 -        Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Cats have nine lives.  Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
-          Jimmy Carr

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm
bears.
-          Chris Addison at the Pleasance

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of
our family holidays in Customs.
-          Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

The dodo died.  Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died...  Dido must be
sh*tting herself.
-          Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was
never smacked as a child...  well maybe one or two grams to get me to
sleep at night.
-          Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people
were given pointed sticks?
-          Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I
was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
-          Susan Murray at the Underbelly

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
because eventually you get tested.  She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening...  was it
self-raising?"
-          Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and
punched someone in the face.
-        Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die.  I would have thought the
obvious one was "Shout For Help".
 -       Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station.  Went along.  Turned
out it was a hoax.
-          Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a
winner and a loser at the same time.
-        Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

A talking dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job
please".  The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't
you go join the circus?"
The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber?"
-         Steven Alan Green at C34

It's easy to distract fat people.  It's a piece of cake.
-         Chris Addison at the Pleasance

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,
then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.  They're
trained for that.
-          Milton Jones at the Unknown

-- 
Peter SJF Bance
http://www.minstrel.org.uk/
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