From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Mon Nov 10 07:34:32 2008 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Mon, 10 Nov 2008 07:34:32 +0000 Subject: [Friday Funny] Office Policy Message-ID: <4917E408.6000909@minstrel.org.uk> Apologies for the delay this (last) week... ----------------------------- DUE TO THE CREDIT CRUNCH, THIS IS YOUR NEW OFFICE POLICY... Dress Code: You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary: 1) If you dress extravagantly, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. 2) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. 3) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays. Bathroom Breaks: Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy. Lunch Breaks: * Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. * Normal sized people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. * Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398 From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Sat Nov 15 09:03:14 2008 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Sat, 15 Nov 2008 09:03:14 +0000 Subject: [Friday Funny] Perks of Being 50+ Message-ID: <491E9052.5050403@minstrel.org.uk> 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run -- anywhere. 4. People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?" 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat supper at 4 pm. 9. You can live without $ex but not your glasses. 10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 12. You stop trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 13. You sing along with elevator music. 14. Your eyes won't get much worse. 15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 19. You can't remember who sent you this list. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience. [Except not in this copy, since it's plain text!] Forward this to everyone you can remember! -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398 From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Fri Nov 21 07:12:21 2008 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Fri, 21 Nov 2008 07:12:21 +0000 Subject: [Friday Funny] Can You Believe It? Message-ID: <49265F55.202@minstrel.org.uk> Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.' (The Daily Telegraph) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common'. (The Times) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. 'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'' (Bournemouth Evening Echo) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers... 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.' 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.' 'We are now travelling through Baker Street. As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that'. During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided.' 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.' 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.' -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398 From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Fri Nov 28 08:12:50 2008 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Fri, 28 Nov 2008 08:12:50 +0000 Subject: [Friday Funny] Canada Message-ID: <492FA802.8030902@minstrel.org.uk> Forget Rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Canucks: If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in Canada. If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in Canada. If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in Canada. If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialled a wrong number, you live in Canada. If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Detroit for the weekend, you live in Canada. If you measure distance in hours, you live in Canada. If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in Canada. If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you live in Canada If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Canada. If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you live in Canada. If you carry jump leads in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in Canada. If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in Canada. If the speed limit on the highway is 80 kph, you're going 90 and everybody is passing you, you live in Canada. If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in Canada. If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction, you live in Canada. If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in Canada. If you find 2 degrees 'a little chilly', you live in Canada. -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398