From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Sun Oct 5 12:43:26 2008 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Sun, 05 Oct 2008 13:43:26 +0100 Subject: [Friday Funny] Health Q&A Message-ID: <48E8B66E.8080506@minstrel.org.uk> Sorry it's late, and that it's an old one (again!)... ------------------------------- HEALTH Q & A SESSION Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Also, beer is made from grain. Bottoms up! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable! It's the best feel-good food around! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398 From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Fri Oct 24 16:19:01 2008 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Fri, 24 Oct 2008 17:19:01 +0100 Subject: [Friday Funny] More Quotes Message-ID: <4901F575.2010404@minstrel.org.uk> This week, I've also (unusually) attached some media - seasonal pictures for your amusement! ----------------------------- Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." --Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." -- Eleanor Roosevelt Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. -- Mark Twain The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. -- George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. -- Victor Borge Be careful about reading health books. You could die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- Groucho Marx My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. -- Jimmy Durante I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. -- Alex Levine My luck is so bad that, if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. -- Rodney Dangerfield Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. -- Spike Milligan I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. -- Mark Twain Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. -- Joe Namath I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. -- Bob Hope I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. -- W.C. Fields We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. -- Will Rogers Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. -- Winston Churchill Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. -- Phyllis Diller By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. -- Billy Crystal The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out. -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398 -------------- next part -------------- A non-text attachment was scrubbed... Name: pic26998.jpg Type: image/jpeg Size: 144140 bytes Desc: not available Url : http://lists.internetgremlin.com/pipermail/fridayfunny/attachments/20081024/3f1ab22b/attachment.jpg -------------- next part -------------- A non-text attachment was scrubbed... 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Name: pic25894.jpg Type: image/jpeg Size: 45921 bytes Desc: not available Url : http://lists.internetgremlin.com/pipermail/fridayfunny/attachments/20081024/3f1ab22b/attachment-0003.jpg From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Fri Oct 31 05:31:47 2008 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Fri, 31 Oct 2008 05:31:47 +0000 Subject: [Friday Funny] How the Stock Market Works Message-ID: <490A9843.6020401@minstrel.org.uk> It was autumn, and the Apache Indians in their reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't honestly tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But, also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "Because we have observed that the Apache Indians on their reservation are collecting wood like crazy and that ALWAYS indicates a forthcoming bad winter." And that, my friends, is how stock markets works!!! -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398