[Friday Funny] More Quotes

[The Friday Funny]

This week, I've also (unusually) attached some media - seasonal pictures for your amusement!

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Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself  "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
--Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.  But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.  I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea.  Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books.  You could die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

By all means marry.  If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates

I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.  Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that, if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan

I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
-- Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath

I don't feel old.  I don't feel anything until noon.  Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation.  As you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal

The cardiologist's diet:  If it tastes good, spit it out.

-- 
Peter SJF Bance
http://www.minstrel.org.uk/
XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel
MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398
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