From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Fri Jan 2 14:36:12 2009 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Fri, 02 Jan 2009 14:36:12 +0000 Subject: [Friday Funny] Seasonal Greetings Message-ID: <495E265C.7020100@minstrel.org.uk> I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to all my friends, but it's so difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my lawyer, and on his advice I wish to say the following: Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practised with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2009, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, sexual preference or TV channel of choice of the wished. By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher. Disclaimer: No trees were harmed in the sending of this message; however, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced. -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398 From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Fri Jan 9 00:06:34 2009 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Fri, 09 Jan 2009 00:06:34 +0000 Subject: [Friday Funny] Bushisms Message-ID: <4966950A.4060508@minstrel.org.uk> The 'misunderestimated' president? President George W Bush All politicians are prone to make slips of the tongue in the heat of the moment - and President George W Bush has made more than most. The word "Bushism" has been coined to label his occasional verbal lapses during eight years in office, which come to an end on 20 January 2009. Here are some of his most memorable pronouncements. ON HIMSELF "They misunderestimated me." Bentonville, Arkansas, 6 November, 2000 "I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe - I believe what I believe is right." Rome, 22 July, 2001 "There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on... shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again." Nashville, Tennessee, 17 September, 2002 "There's no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead." Washington DC, 11 May, 2001 "I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today. He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me." Nashville, Tennessee, 27 May, 2004 FOREIGN AFFAIRS "For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times." Tokyo, 18 February, 2002 "The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorise himself." Grand Rapids, Michigan, 29 January, 2003 "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." Washington DC, 5 August, 2004 "I think war is a dangerous place." Washington DC, 7 May, 2003 "The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the - the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice." Washington DC, 27 October, 2003 "Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat." Washington DC, 17 September, 2004 "You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror." CBS News, Washington DC, 6 September, 2006 EDUCATION "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" Florence, South Carolina, 11 January, 2000 "Reading is the basics for all learning." Reston, Virginia, 28 March, 2000 "As governor of Texas, I have set high standards for our public schools, and I have met those standards." CNN, 30 August, 2000 "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test." Townsend, Tennessee, 21 February, 2001 ECONOMICS "I understand small business growth. I was one." New York Daily News, 19 February, 2000 "It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it." Reuters, 5 May, 2000 "I do remain confident in Linda. She'll make a fine Labour Secretary. From what I've read in the press accounts, she's perfectly qualified." Austin, Texas, 8 January, 2001 "First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren't necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn't mean you're willing to kill." Washington DC, 19 May, 2003 HEALTHCARE "I don't think we need to be subliminable about the differences between our views on prescription drugs." Orlando, Florida, 12 September, 2000 "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYN's aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country." Poplar Bluff, Missouri, 6 September, 2004 TECHNOLOGY "Will the highways on the internet become more few?" Concord, New Hampshire, 29 January, 2000 "It would be a mistake for the United States Senate to allow any kind of human cloning to come out of that chamber." Washington DC, 10 April, 2002 "Information is moving. You know, nightly news is one way, of course, but it's also moving through the blogosphere and through the Internets." Washington DC, 2 May, 2007 OUT OF LEFT FIELD "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." Saginaw, Michigan, 29 September, 2000 "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." LaCrosse, Wisconsin, 18 October, 2000 "Those who enter the country illegally violate the law." Tucson, Arizona, 28 November, 2005 "That's George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read three - three or four books about him last year. Isn't that interesting?" Speaking to reporter Kai Diekmann, Washington DC, 5 May, 2006 ON GOVERNING "I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone who brings people together." Bartlett, Tennessee, 18 August, 2000 "I'm the decider, and I decide what is best." Washington DC, 18 April, 2006 "And truth of the matter is, a lot of reports in Washington are never read by anybody. To show you how important this one is, I read it, and [Tony Blair] read it." On the publication of the Baker-Hamilton Report, Washington DC, 7 December, 2006 "All I can tell you is when the governor calls, I answer his phone." San Diego, California, 25 October, 2007 "I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office." Washington DC, 12 May, 2008 --------------------------------------- And finally, a rather amusing (but somewhat disturbing!) site about cats - read the captions under the pictures as well: http://mayihaveacheeseburger.com/please/ -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398 From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Fri Jan 16 08:39:11 2009 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Fri, 16 Jan 2009 08:39:11 +0000 Subject: [Friday Funny] Kids Message-ID: <497047AF.2030606@minstrel.org.uk> TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America . MARIA: Here it is.. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ? CLASS: Maria did! TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.. TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: 'K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.' MILLIE: I is.. TEACHER: No, Millie... Always say, 'I am.' MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand. TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398 From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Fri Jan 23 13:29:04 2009 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Fri, 23 Jan 2009 13:29:04 +0000 Subject: [Friday Funny] More Tommy Cooper Message-ID: <4979C620.1040005@minstrel.org.uk> I like to send these out every once in a while - good stuff... ------------------------------ So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster. So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job." So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well, I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything." So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and says "Audi!" So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first." He went "Baah" and I went "Moo". He said "You're closest." So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing 'Dancing Queen' on it. I thought that's Aboriginal. I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's so tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there. I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts. I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar?" I said "Well, I have been on telly, but I'm no Dean Martin". I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays." So I went to the local video shop and asked "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow." So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking, please?' And a voice said, 'You are.'" So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, 'phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road." A Penguin walks into a pub and says to the barman "Has my brother been in?" The barman says "I dunno, what's he look like?" -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398 From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Fri Jan 23 14:32:22 2009 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Fri, 23 Jan 2009 14:32:22 +0000 Subject: [Friday Funny] More Tommy Cooper In-Reply-To: <4979C620.1040005@minstrel.org.uk> References: <4979C620.1040005@minstrel.org.uk> Message-ID: <4979D4F6.2080106@minstrel.org.uk> All, It's been pointed out (and I should have noticed) that the majority of these are probably not Tommy Cooper at all, but may be Tim Vine. A bit of a giveaway that "Batman Forever" was mentioned! Anyway, still funny, whoever said them! -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398 The Friday Funny wrote: > I like to send these out every once in a while - good stuff... > > ------------------------------ > > ...