From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Fri Jul 10 06:11:47 2009 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Fri, 10 Jul 2009 06:11:47 +0100 Subject: [Friday Funny] Letters to the Editor Message-ID: <4A56CD93.4010907@minstrel.org.uk> 1. "Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the RAC have more responsible employees." Anon. 2. "The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I." Anon. 3. "On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road ." Anon. 4. "Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of 'There is Nothing Left to Lose' by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour." Anon. 5. "What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that." Anon. 6. "I was being chased by a police dog last week, and made the mistake of trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through a hoop of fire. It finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some sticks." Anon. 7. "My boss and colleagues spend half their time criticizing me for things I've done and the other half criticizing me for things I haven't done. I wish they'd make their flipping minds up." Anon. 8. " 'You never close your eyes any more when I kiss your lips...' wrote the Righteous Brothers in their 1964 hit. Well, to be fair, in order to see that your bird's not closing her eyes when you're copping off with her you would have to have your eyes open as well. It sounds to me like they've both 'lost that lovin' feeling.' I reckon the relationship is dead in the water and they should end it now before they both get hurt." Anon. 9. "The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst picking a penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the anus. That's not good luck in my book. " Milos el Standish, Barcelona 10. "I was shocked to hear the Home Secretary say that Britain 's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of." Anon. 11. "The person who coined the phrase 'as different as chalk and cheese' obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar." Anon. 12. "If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney characters are Man Utd supporters?" Anon. 13. "They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local." Anon. 14. "If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon and bacon?" Anon. 15. "They say good manners cost you nothing. Rubbush. I sent my daughter to finishing school and it cost me twenty bloomin' grand." Anon. 16. "If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat-bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Derby received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?" Neil Sedgwick, Nottingham . 17. "These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down." Anon. 18. "Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty arguments begin. I will never understand women." Anon. 19. "We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she 'bravely remained in London beside her husband' during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and ran off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us." Anon. 20. "Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe." Werner Hoffmann, Munich. 21. "I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to." Anon. 22. "I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?" Anon. -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398 From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Mon Jul 20 05:57:31 2009 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Mon, 20 Jul 2009 05:57:31 +0100 Subject: [Friday Funny] The Laws of Life Message-ID: <4A63F93B.9030704@minstrel.org.uk> Sorry it's so late! -------------------------- You only need two tools in life - WD40 & duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use the WD40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the duct tape. Law of Mechanical Repair After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee. Law of Gravity Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of Probability The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of Random Numbers If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers. Law of the Alibi If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre. Variation Law If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). Law of the Bath When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. Law of Close Encounters The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. Law of the Result When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. Antithesis When you try to demonstrate how something works to someone, it won't. Law of Biomechanics The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the length of the reach. Law of the Theatre At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. The Starbucks Law As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy's Law of Lockers If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Physical Surfaces The chances of an open jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet. Law of Logical Argument Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about (often used by all levels of management). Brown's Law of Physical Appearance If the shoe fits, it's ugly. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking A closed mouth gathers no feet. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398 From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Sun Jul 26 19:40:17 2009 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Sun, 26 Jul 2009 19:40:17 +0100 Subject: [Friday Funny] Life Explained Message-ID: <4A6CA311.5090203@minstrel.org.uk> Sorry it's late this week - it's been a hectic few days! ------------------------ On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.' The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.' The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That' s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.' The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?' And God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created humans and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.' But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.' So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398 From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Fri Jul 31 12:41:19 2009 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Fri, 31 Jul 2009 12:41:19 +0100 Subject: [Friday Funny] 50 office-speak phrases you love to hate Message-ID: <4A72D85F.4060902@minstrel.org.uk> >From the BBC Web Site, published on 16 June 2008... ----------------------------------------------- Management speak - don't you just hate it? Emphatically yes, judging by readers' responses to writer Lucy Kellaway's campaign against office jargon. Here, we list 50 of the best worst examples. 1. "When I worked for Verizon, I found the phrase going forward to be more sinister than annoying. When used by my boss - sorry, "team leader" - it was understood to mean that the topic of conversation was at an end and not be discussed again." Nima Nassefat, Vancouver, Canada 2. "My employers (top half of FTSE 100) recently informed staff that we are no longer allowed to use the phrase brain storm because it might have negative connotations associated with fits. We must now take idea showers. I think that says it all really." Anonymous, England 3. At my old company (a US multinational), anyone involved with a particular product was encouraged to be a product evangelist. And software users these days, so we hear, want to be platform atheists so that their computers will run programs from any manufacturer." Philip Lattimore, Thailand 4. "Incentivise is the one that does it for me." Karl Thomas, Perth, Scotland 5. "My favourite which I hear from the managers at the bank I work for is let's touch base about that offline. I think it means have a private chat but I am still not sure." Gemma, Wolverhampton, England 6. "Have you ever heard the term loop back which means go back to an associate and deal with them?" Scott Reed, Lakeland, Florida, US 7-8. "We used to collect the jargon used in a list and award the person with the most at the end of the year. The winner was a client manager with the classic you can't turn a tanker around with a speed boat change. What? Second was we need a holistic, cradle-to-grave approach, whatever that is." Turner, Manchester 9. "Until recently I had to suffer working for a manager who used phrases such as the idiotic I've got you in my radar in her speech, letters and e-mails. Once, when I mentioned problems with the phone system, she screamed 'NO! You don't have problems, you have challenges'. At which point I almost lost the will to live." Stephen Gradwick, Liverpool 10. "You can add challenge to the list. Problems are no longer considered problems, they have morphed into challenges." Irene MacIntyre, Courtenay, B 11. "Business speak even supersedes itself and does so with silliness, the shorthand for quick win is now low hanging fruit." Paul, Formby, UK 12. "And looking under the bonnet." Eve Russell, Edinburgh 13-14. "The business-speak that I abhor is pre-prepare and forward planning. Is there any other kind of preparedness or planning?" Edward Creswick, Exeter 15-16. "The one that really gets me is pre-plan - there is no such thing. Either you plan or you don't. The new one which has got my goat is conversate, widely used to describe a conversation. I just wish people could learn to 'think outside the box' although when they put us in cubes what do they expect?" Malcolm, Houston 17. "I work in one of those humble call centres for a bank. Apparently, what we're doing at the moment is sprinkling our magic along the way. It's a call centre, not Hogwarts." Caroline Garlick, Ayrshire 18. "A pet hate is the utterly pointless expression in this space. So instead of the perfectly adequate 'how can I help?' it's 'how can I help in this space?' Or the classic I heard on Friday, 'How can we help our customers in this space going forward?' I think I may have caught this expression at source, as I've yet to hear it said outside my own working environment. So I'm on a personal crusade to stamp it out before it starts infecting other City institutions. Wish me luck in this space." Colin, London 19. "The one phrase that inspires a rage in me is from the get-go." Andy, Herts 20. "'Going forward' is only half the phrase that gets up my nose - all politicians seem to use the phrase go forward together. 'We must... we shall... let us now... go forward together'. It gives me a terrible mental image of the whole country linking arms and goose-stepping in unison, with the politicians out in front doing a straight-armed salute. Is it just me?" Frances Smith, Toronto, Canada 21. "I am a financial journalist and am on a mission to remove words and phrases such as 360-degree thinking from existence." Richard, London 22. "The latest that's stuck in my head is we are still optimistic things will feed through the sales and delivery pipeline (ie: we actually haven't sold anything to anyone yet but maybe we will one day)." Alexander, Southampton 23. "I worked in PR for many years and often heard the most ludicrous phrases uttered by CEOs and marketing managers. One of the best was, we'd better not let the grass grow too long on this one. To this day it still echoes in my ears and I giggle to myself whenever I think about it. I can't help but think insecure business people use such phrases to cover up their inability for proper articulation." Leon Reilly, Ealing, London 24. "Need to get all my ducks in a row now - before the five-year-olds wake up." Mark Dixon, Bridgend 25. "Australians have started to use auspice as a verb. Instead of saying, 'under the auspices of...', some people now say things like, it was auspiced by..." Martin Pooley, Marrickville, Australia 26. "My favourite: we've got our fingers down the throat of the organisation of that nodule. Translation = Er, no, WE sorted out the problems to cover your backside." Theo de Bray, Kettering, UK 27. "The health service in Wales is filled with managers who use this type of language as a substitute for original thought. At meetings we play health-speak bingo; counting the key words lightens the tedium of meetings - including, most recently, my door is open on this issue. What does that mean?" Edwin Pottle, Llandudno 28-29. "The business phrase I find most irritating is close of play, which is only slightly worse than actioning something." Ellie, London 30. "Here in the US we have the cringe-worthy and also in addition. Then there's the ever-eloquent 'where are we at?' So far, I haven't noticed the UK's at the end of the day prefacing much over here; thank heavens for small mercies." Eithne B, Chicago, US 31. "The expression that drives me nuts is 110%, usually said to express passion/commitment/support by people who are not very good at maths. This has created something of a cliche-inflation, where people are now saying 120%, 200%, or if you are really REALLY committed, 500%. I remember once the then-chancellor Gordon Brown saying he was 101% behind Tony Blair, to which people reacted 'What? Only 101?'" Ricardo Molina, London, UK 32. "My least favourite business-speak term is not enough bandwidth. When an employee used this term to refuse an additional assignment, I realised I was completely 'out of the loop'." April, Berkeley, US 33. "I once had a boss who said, 'You can't have your cake and eat it, so you have to step up to the plate and face the music.' It was in that moment I knew I had to resign before somebody got badly hurt by a pencil." Tim, Durban 34. "Capture your colleagues - make sure everyone attends that risk management workshop (compulsory common sense training for idiots)." Anglowelsh, UK 35-37. "We too used to have daily paradigm shifts, now we have stakeholders who must come to the party or be left out, or whatever." Barry Hicks, Cape Town, RSA 38. "I have taken to playing buzzword bingo when in meetings. It certainly makes it more entertaining when I am feeding it back (or should that be cascading) at work." Ian Everett, Bolton 39. "In my work environment it's all cascading at the moment. What they really mean is to communicate or disseminate information, usually downwards. What they don't seem to appreciate is that it sounds like we're being wee'd on. Which we usually are." LMD, London 40. "At a large media company where I once worked, the head of human resources - itself a weaselly neologism for personnel - told us that she would be cascading down new information to staff. What she meant was she was going to send them a memo. It was one of the reasons I resigned - that, and the fact that the chief exec persisted on referring to the company as a really cool train set." Andrew, London 41. "Working for an American corporation, this year's favourite word seems to be granularity, meaning detail. As in 'down to that level of granularity'." Chris Daniel, Anaco, Venezuela 42. "On the wall of our office we have a large signed certificate, signed by all the senior management team, in which they solemnly promise to leverage their talents, display and inspire 'unyielding integrity', and lots of other pretentious buzz-phrases like that. Clueless, the lot of them." Chris K, Cheltenham UK 43. "After a reduction in workforce, my university department sent this notice out to confused campus customers: 'Thank you for your note. We are assessing and mitigating immediate impacts, and developing a high-level overview to help frame the conversation with our customers and key stakeholders. We intend to start that process within the week. In the meantime, please continue to raise specific concerns or questions about projects with my office via the Transition Support Center..." Charles R, Seattle, Washington, US 44. "I was told I'd be living the values from now on by my employers at a conference the other week. Here's some modern language for them - meh. A shame as I strongly believe in much of what my employers aim to do. I refuse to adopt the voluntary sectors' client title of 'service user'. How is someone who won't so much as open the door to me using my service? Another case of using four syllables where one would do." Upscaled Blue-Sky thinker, Cardiff 45. "Business talk 2.0 is maddening, meaningless, patronising and I despise it." Doug, London 46. "Lately I've come across the strategic staircase. What on earth is this? I'll tell you; it's office speak for a bit of a plan for the future. It's not moving on but moving up. How strategic can a staircase really be? A lot I suppose, if you want to get to the top without climbing over all your colleagues." Peter Walters, Cheadle Hulme, UK 47. "When a stock market is down why must we be told it is in negative territory?" Phil Linehan, Mexico City, Mexico 48. "The particular phrase I love to hate is drill down, which handily can be used either as an adverb/verb combo or as a compound noun, ie: 'the next level drill-down', sometimes even in the same sentence - a nice bit of multi-tasking." B, London 49. "Thanks for the impactful article; I especially appreciated the level of granularity. A high altitude view often misses the siloed thinking typical of most businesses. Absent any scheme for incentivitising clear speech, however, I'm afraid we're stuck with biz-speak." Timothy Denton, New York 50. "It wouldn't do the pinstripers any harm to crack a smile and say what they really felt once in a while instead of trotting out such clinical platitudes. Of course a group of them may need to workshop it first: Wouldn't want to wrongside the demographic." Trick Cyclist, Tripoli, Libya -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398