[Friday Funny] Letters to the Editor

[The Friday Funny]

1. "Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person
present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not
having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the
RAC have more responsible employees." Anon.

2. "The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD
pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make
from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they
stop breaking the law, so will I." Anon.

3. "On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in
Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've
obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road ." Anon.

4. "Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection
with the exception of 'There is Nothing Left to Lose' by the Foo
Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account
their splendid sense of humour." Anon.

5. "What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman
being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that." Anon.

6. "I was being chased by a police dog last week, and made the mistake
of trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through
a hoop of fire. It finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some
sticks." Anon.

7. "My boss and colleagues spend half their time criticizing me for
things I've done and the other half criticizing me for things I haven't
done. I wish they'd make their flipping minds up." Anon.

8. " 'You never close your eyes any more when I kiss your lips...'
wrote the Righteous Brothers in their 1964 hit. Well, to be fair, in
order to see that your bird's not closing her eyes when you're copping
off with her you would have to have your eyes open as well. It sounds to
me like they've both 'lost that lovin' feeling.' I reckon the
relationship is dead in the water and they should end it now before they
both get hurt." Anon.

9. "The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll
have good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst picking
a penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the anus. That's
not good luck in my book. " Milos el Standish, Barcelona

10. "I was shocked to hear the Home Secretary say that Britain 's prison
population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the
world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given
'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can
only dream of." Anon.

11. "The person who coined the phrase 'as different as chalk and cheese'
obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar." Anon.

12. "If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable
Cockney characters are Man Utd supporters?" Anon.

13. "They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I
regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV
in my local." Anon.

14. "If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon and bacon?" Anon.

15. "They say good manners cost you nothing. Rubbush. I sent my
daughter to finishing school and it cost me twenty bloomin' grand." Anon.

16. "If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat-bottomed girls make the rocking
world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Derby received some
recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?" Neil Sedgwick,
Nottingham .

17. "These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you
down." Anon.

18. "Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems
OK when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty
arguments begin. I will never understand women." Anon.

19. "We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother
to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she 'bravely remained in
London beside her husband' during the war. This contrasts sharply with
the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately
left his wife and children and ran off, first to France, then North
Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always
be with us." Anon.

20. "Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the
East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a
hero by the people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for
the Luftwaffe."  Werner Hoffmann, Munich.

21. "I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful
young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather)
holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to." Anon.

22. "I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds
in the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other
one?" Anon. 

-- 
Peter SJF Bance
http://www.minstrel.org.uk/
XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel
MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398