From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Sun Mar 8 14:19:38 2009 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Sun, 08 Mar 2009 14:19:38 +0000 Subject: [Friday Funny] They Walk Among Us Message-ID: <49B3D3FA.9000402@minstrel.org.uk> Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal.. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale ?50.' The next day someone stole it. One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted... 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said 'where???' While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.' My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'. I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half kilogram sirloin. She informed me they only had an 500 g sirloin. Not wanting to make a scene, I told her I would take the 500 g steak instead of the half kg. My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car - it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped - she keeps it in the boot... My friends and I were on a Lager run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.... I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way their head is turned... I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'... While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces. -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398 From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Sat Mar 14 08:59:01 2009 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: 14 Mar 2009 08:59:01 +0000 Subject: [Friday Funny] =?iso-8859-1?q?New_Laws_=28from_Murphy=29?= Message-ID: Murphy's Lesser Known Laws 1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 5. The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% likelihood you'll get it wrong. 6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, at night, in the fog. 7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first. 8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. 9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 10. When you go into court, you put yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Sat Mar 21 07:55:55 2009 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Sat, 21 Mar 2009 07:55:55 +0000 Subject: [Friday Funny] Congratulations! Message-ID: <49C49D8B.5020109@minstrel.org.uk> I may have sent this out before... -------------------------------------- CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1920's, 30's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70s!! First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese & tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer. Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with brightly-coloured lead-based paints. We had no child-proof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention the risks we took cadging lifts. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. A trip to the coast on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the stream and NOT from a bottle. Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Kebabs. Even though all the shops closed at 6:00pm and only opened for a few hours at weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death! We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner shop and buy fruit Spangles and some bangers to blow up frogs with. We ate buns, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because... WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No mobile phones -- no one was able to reach us all day. And we were always OK! We would spend hours building our trolleys out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in streams with matchbox cars. We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, Wii, no video games at all, no 99 channels on Sky, no video tape or DVDs, no surround sound, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits. Only girls had pierced ears! We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross buns at Easter time... no, really! We had air guns and catapults for our birthdays. We drank milk laced with Strontium 90 from cows that had eaten grass covered in nuclear fallout from the atomic testing. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them from the street! Mum didn't have to go to work to help Dad make ends meet! Mum & Dad didn't need Brandy, Whisky or whatever when they came in from work! Footy had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Our teachers used to belt us with big sticks and leather straps and bullies always ruled the playground at school. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! Our parents got married before they had children and didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kylie' and 'Blade'. This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 70 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned... HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives 'for our own good'. And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were. Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?! -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398 From fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com Fri Mar 27 17:10:36 2009 From: fridayfunny at internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Fri, 27 Mar 2009 17:10:36 +0000 Subject: [Friday Funny] Age and Experience Message-ID: <49CD088C.8090901@minstrel.org.uk> Not my usual kind of thing, but I liked this (even though it may be quite old)... ------------------------------ A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa, taking his faithful, elderly Jack Russell terrier named Killer, along for the company. One day the old Jack Russell starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old Jack Russell thinks, 'Oh-oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching big cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old Jack Russell exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?' Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!', says the leopard, 'That was close! That old Jack Russell nearly had me!' Meanwhile, a monkey - who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree - figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes. However, the old Jack Russell sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and guesses that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!' Now, the old Jack Russell sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?'. But, instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Jack Russell says... 'Where's that damn monkey got to? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!' And the moral of this story? Don't mess with old dogs - Age and Experience will always overcome Youth and Treachery. -- Peter SJF Bance http://www.minstrel.org.uk/ XMPP: GreyMinstrel at jabber.org | AIM: GreyMinstrel MSN: Minstrel at minstrel.org.uk | ICQ: 254652398