From fridayfunny at lists.internetgremlin.com Sun Dec 18 10:48:10 2011 From: fridayfunny at lists.internetgremlin.com (The Friday Funny) Date: Sun, 18 Dec 2011 10:48:10 +0000 Subject: [Friday Funny] Can You Believe It... In-Reply-To: References: Message-ID: Sorry it's a little late, but at least I've managed to get something out this week! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.' (The Daily Telegraph) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common'. (The Times) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- At the height of the gale, the harbour-master radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. 'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'' (Bournemouth Evening Echo) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers... 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.' 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.' 'We are now travelling through Baker Street. As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that'. During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided.' 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.' 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.' ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -- Peter Bance CLAS Consultant Information Security Adviser http://www.peterbance.co.uk/