[Friday Funny] Sounds Like [Tim Vine or Tommy Cooper]

[The Friday Funny]

There are many, many quips out there that are repeated as "By Tommy 
Cooper" or "Like Tommy Cooper".  Lots of them actually come from Tim 
Vine (http://www.timvine.com/), but it's always difficult to separate 
the two due to the similar delivery style and their "throwaway" nature.

I have no idea (or means to tell) to whom each of these should be 
assigned, I'm simply forwarding a list of examples I received for your 
entertainment...

-- 
Peter Bance
http://www.fridayfunny.org/

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So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well, I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you 
anything."

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate.
He said, "Nearest the bull goes first."
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo".
He said "You're closest."

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing 'Dancing Queen' 
on it.
I thought that's Aboriginal.

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.  It's so tiny you couldn't 
swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the 
shoulders of vampires.
I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar?"
I said "Well, I have been on telly, but I'm no Dean Martin".

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the 
splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

So I went to the local video shop and asked "Can I take out The Elephant 
Man?"
He said, "He's not your type."
I said "How about Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow."

So I got home, and the phone was ringing.  I picked it up, and said 
"Who's speaking, please?"
And a voice said, "You are."

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth.
It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, 'phoned her up to 
arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says 
"Pint please, and one for the road."

A Penguin walks into a pub and says to the barman "Has my brother been in?"
The barman says "I dunno, what's he look like?"