<br><font size=2 color=#004200 face="Arial">I realised I was dyslexic when
I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.</font><font size=2 color=#004200 face="Tahoma">
</font><font size=2 color=#004200 face="Arial"><br>
- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms</font><font size=2 color=#004200 face="Tahoma">
</font><font size=2 face="Tahoma"><br>
</font><font size=2 face="Arial"><b><br>
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.</b></font><font size=2 face="Tahoma"><b>
</b></font><font size=2 face="Arial"><b><br>
-</b></font><font size=1 face="Tahoma"><b>
</b></font><font size=2 face="Arial"><b>Jimmy Carr</b></font><font size=2 face="Tahoma"><b>
<br>
</b></font><font size=2 color=#800000 face="Arial"><b><br>
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm
bears.</b></font><font size=2 color=#800000 face="Tahoma"><b> </b></font><font size=2 color=#800000 face="Arial"><b><br>
-</b></font><font size=1 color=#800000 face="Tahoma"><b>
</b></font><font size=2 color=#800000 face="Arial"><b>Chris
Addison at the Pleasance</b></font><font size=2 color=#800000 face="Tahoma"><b>
</b></font><font size=2 color=#ff8100 face="Tahoma"><b><br>
</b></font><font size=2 color=#ff8100 face="Arial"><b><br>
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of
our family holidays in Customs.</b></font><font size=2 color=#ff8100 face="Tahoma"><b>
</b></font><font size=2 color=#ff8100 face="Arial"><b><br>
-</b></font><font size=1 color=#ff8100 face="Tahoma"><b>
</b></font><font size=2 color=#ff8100 face="Arial"><b>Patrick
Monahan at the Gilded Balloon</b></font><font size=2 color=#ff8100 face="Tahoma"><b>
</b></font><font size=2 face="Tahoma"><br>
</font><font size=2 color=blue face="Arial"><br>
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido
must be sh*tting herself.</font><font size=2 face="Tahoma"> </font><font size=2 face="Arial"><br>
-</font><font size=1 face="Tahoma"> </font><font size=2 color=blue face="Arial">Colin
& Fergus at the Pleasance</font><font size=2 face="Tahoma"> <br>
</font><font size=2 face="Arial"><br>
My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I
was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get
me to sleep at night.</font><font size=2 face="Tahoma"> </font><font size=2 color=#ff8100 face="Arial"><br>
-</font><font size=1 color=blue face="Tahoma">
</font><font size=2 color=blue face="Arial">Susan Murray at the Underbelly</font><font size=2 color=#ff8100 face="Tahoma">
</font><font size=2 face="Tahoma"><b><br>
</b></font><font size=2 face="Arial"><b><br>
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people
were given pointed sticks? <br>
-</b></font><font size=1 face="Tahoma"><b>
</b></font><font size=2 face="Arial"><b>Adam Bloom at the Pleasance</b></font><font size=2 face="Tahoma"><b>
</b><br>
</font><font size=2 color=#800000 face="Arial"><br>
My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I
was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.</font><font size=2 color=#800000 face="Tahoma">
</font><font size=2 color=#800000 face="Arial"><br>
-</font><font size=1 color=#800000 face="Tahoma">
</font><font size=2 color=#800000 face="Arial">Susan Murray
at the Underbelly</font><font size=2 color=#800000 face="Tahoma"> </font><font size=2 face="Tahoma"><br>
</font><font size=2 color=#004200 face="Arial"><b><br>
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because
eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?"
And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening... was
it self-raising?"</b></font><font size=2 color=#004200 face="Tahoma"><b>
</b></font><font size=2 color=#004200 face="Arial"><b><br>
-</b></font><font size=1 color=#004200 face="Tahoma"><b>
</b></font><font size=2 color=#004200 face="Arial"><b>Addy
Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms</b></font><font size=2 face="Tahoma">
<br>
</font><font size=2 face="Arial"><b><br>
The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and</b></font><font size=2 color=blue face="Tahoma"><b>
</b></font><font size=2 face="Arial"><b>punched someone in the face.
<br>
- Jeremy Limb, at the Trap</b></font><font size=2 face="Tahoma"><b>
</b><br>
</font><font size=2 color=blue face="Arial"><b><br>
I saw that show, <i>50 Things To Do Before You Die</i>. I would have
thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".</b></font><font size=2 face="Tahoma"><b>
</b></font><font size=2 color=blue face="Arial"><b><br>
- Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron</b></font><font size=2 face="Tahoma"><b>
</b><br>
</font><font size=2 color=red face="Arial"> <br>
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.
Turned out it was a hoax. <br>
-</font><font size=1 color=red face="Tahoma">
</font><font size=2 color=red face="Arial">Adrian Poynton at the
Pleasance</font><font size=2 color=red face="Tahoma"> </font><font size=2 color=#000080 face="Arial"><br>
</font><font size=2 color=#2020a0 face="Arial"><br>
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner
and a loser at the same time.</font><font size=2 color=#2020a0 face="Tahoma">
</font><font size=2 color=#2020a0 face="Arial"><br>
- Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms</font><font size=2 color=#2020a0 face="Tahoma">
</font><font size=2 face="Tahoma"><br>
</font><font size=2 color=#424200 face="Arial"><br>
A talking dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job
please".</font><font size=2 color=blue face="Tahoma"> </font><font size=2 color=#424200 face="Arial"> The
hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join
the circus?" </font>
<br><font size=2 color=#424200 face="Arial">The dog replies: "What
would the circus want with a plumber?"</font><font size=2 color=#424200 face="Tahoma">
</font><font size=2 color=#424200 face="Arial"><br>
- Steven Alan Green at C34</font><font size=2 face="Tahoma">
</font><font size=2 color=#800000 face="Tahoma"><b><br>
</b></font><font size=2 color=#800000 face="Arial"><b><br>
It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.</b></font><font size=2 color=#800000 face="Tahoma"><b>
</b></font><font size=2 color=#800000 face="Arial"><b><br>
- Chris Addison at the Pleasance</b></font><font size=2 color=#800000 face="Tahoma"><b>
</b></font><font size=2 face="Tahoma"><br>
</font><font size=2 face="Arial"><b><br>
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,
then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.</b></font><font size=2 color=blue face="Tahoma"><b>
</b></font><font size=2 face="Arial"><b> They're trained for that.</b></font><font size=2 face="Tahoma"><b>
</b></font><font size=2 face="Arial"><b><br>
-</b></font><font size=1 face="Tahoma"><b>
</b></font><font size=2 face="Arial"><b>Milton Jones at the Unknown</b></font>
<br><font size=3 face="Times New Roman"> </font><font size=2 face="sans-serif"><br>
</font>
<br><font size=2 face="sans-serif"><br>
</font>
<hr><font size=2 face="sans-serif"><br>
<i><br>
</i></font>
<p><font size=2 face="sans-serif"><i>Unless stated otherwise above:<br>
IBM United Kingdom Limited - Registered in England and Wales with number
741598. <br>
Registered office: PO Box 41, North Harbour, Portsmouth, Hampshire PO6
3AU</i></font>
<p><font size=2 face="sans-serif"><br>
<br>
</font>
<br>
<br><font size=2 face="sans-serif"><br>
</font>